Funeral professionals – Glyn Bawden Funeral Celebrant

Hitting The Balance Between Respect and Reflection.

In a recent post, I wrote about the dilemma some people face when they are deciding if something is appropriate or not. And I’m going to touch on that point again.

When you attend a funeral service in the UK, you’ll notice that funeral directors in their manner of dress are firmly entrenched in the Victorian era, with their tailcoats and top hats, walking solemnly before the hearse like a character from a Dickems novel.

When the hearse passes them, crematorium staff , funeral directors and celebrants bow as a mark of respect. Bearers and funeral directors bow to the coffin when it is placed on the catafalque. Mourners are asked to stand for the delivery of the words of committal. And there are so many other small and subtle gestures that go into making any service respectful.

If the scales were tipped all the way to the side of respect then services would be quite bland and would follow a very similar pattern each time. Respect in a service is essential but this respect has to be balanced with parts of the service that reflect the deceased.

I’ve done services where the deceased has arrived in a motorbike and sidecar, or in a banger racer or a double-decker bus. Most recently, the deceased’s coffin was crowd-surfed into the chapel along a corridor of mourners outside the chapel. All those choices reflected the loves and interests of the deceased and importantly, what the next-of-kin had chosen.

There have been services where mourners have worn football shirts of the deceased’s favourite team, or bikers have come dressed in leather.

The music choices have reflected what the deceased loved to listen to.

And all of these things go to making a successful farewell for someone. It’s important that their service should be a combination of respect and a reflection of them and it’s vital that the balance is just right every time.

How Coronavirus Has Impacted Funerals At Every Level.

From Zoom meetings to Social Distancing, COVID-19 has had a huge impact on funerals but have there been other, more subtle changes?

Pre-service

One of the first things to be impacted when the coronavirus pandemic hit and we went into lockdown was the immediate absence of face to face meetings in a family home. It was where you could see a family in an environment they felt comfortable in and see photographs of their loved ones and get a feel for what they were like and how the service would be pitched.

I enquired online to a group I am part of, whether any celebrants had noticed more subtle, less obvious changes. A number of celebrants reported that they have noticed themselves ‘going the extra mile ‘ for families to make sure that everything is exactly right. Making numerous phone calls and being in more frequent contact up to the day of the service ‘so families feel like they know me already’ said Jane a celebrant based in the North West.

‘So families feel like they know me’
Jane, a celebrant in the North West

Face to face meetings were quickly replaced by telephone meetings and then the rise of Zoom meetings, and now we must wonder sometimes how we managed before. Of course, without Zoom or Skype, we celebrants are left with that awkward approach to a stranger on the day of the service saying ‘ You’re not xxx by any chance? ‘ and then instantly resisting the urge to shake hands or hug as we would naturally do.

One very welcome change that has come about, is that members of the public have been showing their respect by bowing to a passing hearse or removing headwear. This was, of course, quite the tradition many years ago but has seen a mini revival in current times.

During the service

And the social distancing that has been forced on us has impacted in other ways. It was heartbreaking at a recent service to see a mother sitting 6 feet away from her daughter, grieving the loss of her husband and neither could do anything to comfort the other.

At the crematorium, I for one, have noticed that fewer families have been opting to have a printed Order of Service sheet. This may be because Order of Service sheets, if they are ordered from a professional printer usually come with a minimum order of 20 and increase in batches of 20. No use if there are only 6-10 people allowed to attend.

What has happened more is that families have taken the decision to self-print, sometimes printing the entire eulogy in booklet form so they can follow along and send a copy off to those unable to attend.

In terms of the eulogy itself, I have noticed a number of families opting to write a shortened version of the eulogy themselves to be read out. Their argument ?

‘There’s no point going into detail about their life. Everyone there knew about it anyway.’

This isn’t meant in an uncaring or brutal way. The family are acutely aware that the service they are having is not what they would have wanted. They are doing the best they can in extreme circumstances and the eulogy is, quite often to the point and matter-of-fact.

In the pre-Covid services when the crematorium is full of mourners, ready to celebrate the life of a much-loved relative, you can sense an energy and feed off it, like a performer on stage. Lately, it has felt increasingly difficult to engage with only up to 10 mourners in attendance.

Post-service

There is a feeling that, if a family is doubly unfortunate to lose a loved one anyway and to lose them during lockdown, they are resigned to the fact that the funeral is more of a symbolic gesture. It is something that society expects of them. And whilst previously the service could be an occasion to celebrate and maybe even enjoy a laugh together, the family is resigned to the fact that they should plan a memorial service for ‘When all this is over ‘ and they can say a proper farewell.

There is no doubt that the Covid 19 pandemic will have left its’ mark throughout our society at many levels by the time it is over. Funeral services are just a small part of that, but we, as funeral service professionals have had to adapt and families too have had to do the same.

One thing is for certain, when all this is finally over, things will look very different indeed.

Why You Might Get The Response ‘Mum Was Mum’

When you first hear that phrase, it takes you aback. What do they mean? Why aren’t they prepared with dozens of stories? In this post, I’m going to look at some of the possible reasons why someone might say those words.

A few years ago, I asked a bereaved son to tell me about his mother, who he clearly loved dearly.

He thought for a moment and replied, ”Mum was mum.”. I have to say that I at the time, I was somewhat taken aback. How could anyone possibly be so dismissive about their mother? After all,this was someone who looked after you your whole life, cooked for you, cared for you, loved you unconditionally for over 50 years and all you can say is ‘Mum was mum.’

I found over time, the answer was repeated and so, I took some time to have a look at the facts behind this alarmingly offhand comment. And there were two areas to take into account.

The Background

I realised that, on the whole, the mums in question were usually in their 80s or 90s and so they’d been bringing up their children in the late 50s and early 60s and they were very different times.

At the risk of generalising from the specific, these mums had several things in common;

They hadn’t gone on to further education.
They didn’t have a career.
They had married at a young age.
Any job they had done had been given up to care for their children.
They had been stay at home housewives while the husband worked.
They hadn’t travelled widely.
They didn’t have exciting hobbies to speak of.
They didn’t have much time for hobbies or pastimes.
They had largely been ‘in the background’ being mums.
They didn’t have an extensive social life.

And so, despite my surprise at the phrase, that was exactly how they’d been seen. And it wasn’t meant in an insulting or denigrating manner. I just think that for many of these people losing a mum in their 80’s and 90’s, that was exactly how so many of them were seen. Despite the hugely important role they played, they had no chance to shine as individuals because the work they were expected to do was all-consuming, and that was symptomatic of the era they found themselves in.

The second thing to take into account is;

The Brain

In spite of the fact that our brains are without question more powerful than any computer ever built, if you ask a simple open-ended question like ‘Tell me about X’ it will freeze.

Why?

Firstly, there is just too much information to process in one hit and our brains go into panic mode. We experience what is called an ‘amygdala hijack’ ( https://www.healthline.com/health/stress/amygdala-hijack#overview ) where our amygdala ( the part of the brain that developed to control fight or flight responses to threats) takes control because of the stress of the situation and disables our ability to make logical and rational decisions. Thankfully, our frontal lobes have developed and override this, realising that the threat is not life-threatening and rational decisions can be made.

Secondly, we may be experiencing ‘attention saturation’ ( https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/metacognition-and-the-mind/201503/why-we-cant-remember-the-things-we-most-often-see ) a common occurrence where, if the same thing is seen on a routine basis it becomes less and less memorable. Consider growing up with a stay-at-home mum who cooked and baked every day, washed the clothes, cleaning the house, ironed, dusted and everything else and suddenly you’re being asked ‘tell me about mum’. What DO you say?

Thirdly, we may be experiencing ‘grief fog‘. Our brains are programmed to protect us and when something happens that we haven’t experienced before, especially something traumatic, like the death of a loved one, we have to begin to process the new experience. So, our brain attempts to focus and protect us simultaneously as it attempts to understand and make sense of what has happened.

Generally, with a little prompting and a little time, fond memories will come flooding back and I’m happy to say that on every occasion that I’ve heard the phrase ‘Mum was mum’, together we have always managed to produce a tribute that illustrates the wonderful qualities she possessed.

Surprising and Simple Ways To Ease Stress While You Sit At Your Desk

Dealing with families when they are at an emotional low point is likely to take its’ toll on anyone and funeral directors, arrangers, celebrants, and other funeral professionals are expected to do this on a daily basis.

When you invest so much of your own emotional well-being into giving bereaved families what they want, it is impossible to prevent your own emotional well-being from taking a bit of a battering. Little surprise then that funeral professionals are likely to suffer from ‘compassion fatigue’. ‘ a secondary traumatic stress disorder. Essentially, it’s about caring so much it begins to hurt.‘ https://www.frazerconsultants.com.

Sound familiar? What can we do?

In recent posts, https://celebrantglynbawden.com/5-reasons-why-its-hard-for-us-to-say-no/ and https://celebrantglynbawden.com/5-reasons-why-you-should-say-no-more-often/ I covered some of the reasons why its’ hard for funeral service professionals to say ‘No’ but why saying ‘No’ is actually important. In today’s post, I want to look at some simple and perhaps, surprising ways you can combat stress.

They aren’t expensive and they are things that anyone can do easily in just a few spare minutes.

Breathe

Breathe? Did I read that right? Yes, you did. Breathing is the one thing we all do but hardly any of us does it to benefit our health efficiently. One of the single best ways to reduce stress and to give you an energy boost is deep breathing and this can be done LITERALLY anywhere. Hard day? Try it while you’re sitting in a traffic jam on the way home.

Inhale through the nose for 3 seconds and exhale through the mouth for 3 seconds and repeat this 10 times. It is remarkable just how simple and effective this is. For more information on Perfect Breathing check out this site http://p http://perfectbreathing.com/

Drink Orange Juice

It sounds unlikely to say the least but studies have repeatedly shown that food and drink high in Vitamin C, such as Orange Juice, reduce stress by lowering the levels of stress hormones such as cortisol. Two glasses a day should work fine.

Smile or Laugh

‘Smile, it might never happen!’ How many of us have heard those wonderful words of wisdom in the past? Having a laugh or even a smile does things that reduce stress in the long term. It can reduce cortisol levels, and release those endorphins that we hear so much about.

We all have phones, find a video of a cat on a skateboard and enjoy it for 5 minutes.

Pet a dog

It’s no surprise that many funeral homes have now started to have a resident ‘bereavement dog’ to hand. Stroking a dog can reduce blood pressure and ease anxiety and dogs are especially good at de-stressing us because over thousands of years they’ve been bred to be good companions and are particularly adept at feeling and responding to human emotions .

So, it’s not a mistake when people say that they are ‘man’s best friend’

Massage Your Ear

Or ‘auriculotherapy’ to give it its’ proper name. Our ears are home to multiple nerve endings and pressure points that benefit from being massaged. A gentle massage of the ear lobe can have effects like releasing endorphins ( again), boosting the immune system and stimulating relaxation.

Try rubbing the ear lobe between your thumb and forefinger, or gently tugging it away from you, stroking where the ear joins the head or massaging the cartilage which forms the main part of the ear for just a few minutes.

Act As If..

This is a strategy used by salespeople or for someone going to an interview to trick the mind into believing something else.

Our mind is such an astonishingly powerful tool, a simple trick like this can work wonders.

Because our mind is unable to differentiate between reality and what we tell it is reality, we can make it believe virtually anything. So why not tell your mind that you’re not stressed and in fact, you’re coping brilliantly with everything that’s thrown at you. Make sure that your physiological signs display the same as what you’re thinking, so slow your breathing and act calmly.

So, next time things start to get a little too much, why not try one or more of the above? Who knows, it might just help and if it doesn’t then you only wasted 5 minutes.

5 Reasons Why You Should Say ‘No’ More Often.

I did a post last week on reasons why it’s hard for us, as celebrants, to say ‘No’ to requests (.https://celebrantglynbawden.com/5-reasons-why-its-hard-for-us-to-say-no/) . The conclusion was probably that, even though we feel obliged to say ‘yes’ for all those reasons, we really should try and say ‘no’ more.

Let’s take a look at why saying ‘no’ is not just a good thing, it’s an essential thing for our long-term well-being.

Emotionally draining

As funeral celebrants we deal with people when they are often at their most emotional and vulnerable. They have just lost a loved one and are putting their faith into you to deliver a meaningful and heartfelt eulogy after only a handful of meetings at best.

It’s not possible, unless you’re made of stone, to avoid investing some of your own emotional energy into each service.

Our emotions are not a bottomless pit. Just as you’ll become physically exhausted if you exercise too much, you will become emotionally exhausted if you expend too much emotion. And it will come to a head eventually.

Quality will suffer

We get one chance to do what we do. One chance to stand in front of a grieving family and give a well-structured, well-written eulogy in memory of a loved one.

If we take on too much, we run a very real risk of the quality of our work being diluted or rushed as we try to prioritise. It’s like juggling. Throwing and catching one ball is easy. Even two, not a problem. Some of us may even be able to do three, but start getting to four and five then you’ll soon see how hard it is to keep up.

Keep your workload manageable and the quality will be maintained.

You neglect other parts of your life

Our lives are complex and complicated things. They are made up of many different areas. And for them to be successful, we need each of the areas to be running in harmony.

Of course, work is important. That’s what puts the food on the table and pays the bills but for a well-balanced approach, you need to pay equal attention to the other parts of your life.

Your family and their happiness is vital to maintain your own well-being. Take your partner and your children to the cinema or out for a meal. You need time for hobbies, even if your hobby is just catching up with the latest on Netflix, set aside some time to do it.

Self esteem

Saying ‘no’ is good for you. Yes, you read that right. How many times have you said ‘yes’ to something only to go away and curse yourself for giving in again and asking ‘Why did I say yes?’

Say ‘no’ once in a while. Take back some control of your life and you’ll feel better about yourself. That simple act will tell everyone, including yourself that YOU are in control and YOU are the one making the decisions.

Reduce Stress

Once you’re back in control of what’s going on in your life then a whole host of other good things start to happen. You’ll be less stressed for one and that’s got to be a good thing.

You can concentrate on doing the work that you have to the best of your ability, investing the time and emotional input that is needed without neglecting other areas.

You may find that you’ll be sleeping better, your appetite will be better and you’ll be healthier all round.

There’s is no doubt that saying no more often will benefit you in the short term and the long term. You’ll have more time to do what matters to you, so give it a go, say ‘NO’.

5 Reasons Why It’s Hard For Us To Say ‘NO’

It’s a mere two letters long and it can make life so much easier at times, so why is it that we have such problems saying it? Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why we may find it hard.

GUILT

We live in a ‘yes’ culture, where we are socially-conditioned from an early age to say ‘yes’ to things because what we don’t want to do is upset someone but rejecting them or their proposal. If we say ‘no’ to someone then we feel like we’re rejecting them and no-one wants to do that, but we are quite happy to put more onto our own plate.

FEAR OF NOT BEING USED AGAIN

We spend months contacting our Funeral Directors and Arrangers and building up those relationships and when we say ‘no’ there’s always the question at the back of your mind, ‘Well, if I don’t do it, who will they ask? And will they do a better job than me? If they do, then maybe I’ll never hear from them again.’

We work in a very competitive field and more and more celebrants are coming along all the time. Face it, we can’t do every single service. There will be some we can’t do for other reasons and don’t kid yourself that you get chosen for every service the Arranger or FD has. If they’re good at their job then they’ll put the right celebrant with the right family.

SELF-EMPLOYMENT

We’re self-employed and we get it that it may be feast or famine. If we don’t accept every single job that is offered then who knows when the next one may come along?

Well, guess what. People have been self-employed for years and that’s the nature of self-employment. Sometimes the phone will ring off the hook non-stop. Sometimes you won’t hear anything for weeks, but in the end, it all has a tendency to work out and saying ‘no’ to one or two jobs isn’t going to make a big difference one way or the other.

EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT

Our role, by its’ very nature, means that we come into contact with people when they are at a very low state emotionally. They may be still coming to terms with their grief and will need to have their hand-held throughout the process. And who better to do it? Us of course!

And it doesn’t matter that we already have a number of services that day or week because obviously there’s no-one else that could shoulder that emotional load better than us, is there.

Once again, let’s not kid ourselves that no-one else is capable of dealing with these grieving families. All the celebrants should have been on a training course and will probably have a good few services under their belts, some will have plenty more than you, so stop thinking no-one else can do it.

IT’S VERY FINAL

Even though it’s only two letters long, it sounds so…well, final. I’m pretty sure that none of us would be so abrupt as to simply say ‘No’ and hang up the phone but there are ways of tempering the blow and making sure that you leave the door open for future business.

You could always suggest another celebrant that you know and have a reciprocal arrangement with them, so even if you did lose a service there’s always the chance that you’ll pick another up at a later date.

If you don’t know another celebrant well enough, just say ‘I really hope you find someone’ and arrange to call back after the service to see how things went.

There are always going to be times when we have to say those two little letters and I get it, it’s hard but hopefully, we can understand why and accept that saying ‘no’ is an important part of life and we can grow from that.

T-shirt and jeans? But is it really progress?

If we were to go back in time 100 or more years and be expected to attend a funeral, there would be precious few alternatives to what we would be expected to wear. It would be uniformly black; suit, tie, and hat and black dresses for the ladies. English funerals were firmly rooted in Victorian tradition and there they stayed for decades. And even today we can see the echoes of those formalities filtering through to our services as funeral directors walk slowly before the hearse dressed in their pinstripe trousers, tailcoat, and top-hat, sometimes even clutching a silver-topped cane. looking like a scene from the 60s classic ‘Oliver’.

And why not?

After all, it’s a funeral and that’s what we’ve come to expect, isn’t it?

Since I started taking funeral services as a celebrant a few years ago, I’ve noticed very subtle but distinct changes. I always make a point of asking the family what the dress code is and if the deceased was 80-90 or more then tradition continues to lead the way and it’s a black tie. However, it is noticeable that as the age decreases then changes begin to slip in; coloured ties being the most noticeable, or wearing the deceased’s favourite colour, the changes are there for all to see.

And the changes are there throughout the funeral world. Funeral directors are striking out in all directions to be different. There is no longer a ‘one size fits all’ approach. Coffins come in all types, the service is your choice, the music is your choice, what is said about the deceased is your choice, even the type of service is your choice; direct cremation, live streaming, even a Do It Yourself service.

Progress is all well and good and completely unavoidable but where is the line to be drawn, if a line is to be drawn at all?

I have already taken services where a mourner has appeared in T shirt and shorts and one where everyone was asked to come in hoody and jeans because that’s what the deceased wore every day.

But where, if anywhere, should the line be drawn?

Progress is inevitable and it will be interesting to see what subtle changes funeral directors make in the oncoming years, if any. I think, regardless of the person’s age or demographic then the funeral garb of the funeral director lends a necessary solemnity and gravitas to what is, ultimately, a sad occasion. It would be sad if we were to fast forward 20 or 30 years to see services attended by everyone in T shirts and jeans. Funerals can be celebrations of life too but should it be at any cost?