Tag: celebrant

How to Come up with Content for The Best Possible Eulogy

I’m often asked by families if it’s ok for them to write the eulogy for the deceased.

Of course it is.

There are some things to keep in mind when you write it though.

Think of the BIG topics

As a start, I ask families to consider the big topics from someone’s life and by that I mean; career, interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes, social life, school life. It’s a bit like starting a conversation with a stranger. Everyone will have something to say about some of these topics, some more and some less than others.

Start small

Writing a eulogy when you’ve never done it before can be quite daunting and it may be an idea before launching straight into it to carry a notebook or piece of paper around with you to jot down bullet points for a few days as and when they come to you.

They can always be fleshed out or discarded depending on how important they are.

It isn’t a Wikipedia entry

I quite often use this analogy when I talk to bereaved families who want to write their own eulogy.

No one wants to listen to something that sounds monotonous and drab, something that trots out dates of when this happened and when that happened with no filler in between.

What were they like?

As a starting point, I ask families to think about what the deceased was like. Were they funny, generous, kind, caring, adventurous or inquisitive? Think of some adjectives to describe them and say why that’s the case.

I have sat more times than I care to remember listening to people say

“He was hilarious. A laugh a minute. We could write a book about the things he did.”

Can you let me know one or two of them?

Anecdotes are your best friend

Without question, the best way to make any eulogy interesting is to scatter some anecdotes into it that demonstrate what the deceased was like. If they were accident-prone, then a few stories illustrating that will go a long way.

More isn’t necessarily better

At many crematoriums, there is a time limit for the service and so you need to be mindful of just how long the eulogy should be. In most cases, more is definitely not better unless you happen to be an exceptionally talented writer who will hold the attention of the mourners for the entire service.

I’ve found that in most cases, the ‘sweet spot’ for a eulogy is around the 5-6 minute mark, significantly less and mourners may feel short-changed. Significantly more and the attention of mourners may well start drifting off.

The Aim

The aim of a good eulogy, in my opinion, is to remind mourners what the deceased was like and to celebrate them as a person.

The eulogy should be a reflection of them as a person and as such, it can be humorous or it can be sombre and serious. A successful eulogy is about capturing the essence of the person and ensuring that their memory is celebrated.

Hitting The Balance Between Respect and Reflection.

In a recent post, I wrote about the dilemma some people face when they are deciding if something is appropriate or not. And I’m going to touch on that point again.

When you attend a funeral service in the UK, you’ll notice that funeral directors in their manner of dress are firmly entrenched in the Victorian era, with their tailcoats and top hats, walking solemnly before the hearse like a character from a Dickems novel.

When the hearse passes them, crematorium staff , funeral directors and celebrants bow as a mark of respect. Bearers and funeral directors bow to the coffin when it is placed on the catafalque. Mourners are asked to stand for the delivery of the words of committal. And there are so many other small and subtle gestures that go into making any service respectful.

If the scales were tipped all the way to the side of respect then services would be quite bland and would follow a very similar pattern each time. Respect in a service is essential but this respect has to be balanced with parts of the service that reflect the deceased.

I’ve done services where the deceased has arrived in a motorbike and sidecar, or in a banger racer or a double-decker bus. Most recently, the deceased’s coffin was crowd-surfed into the chapel along a corridor of mourners outside the chapel. All those choices reflected the loves and interests of the deceased and importantly, what the next-of-kin had chosen.

There have been services where mourners have worn football shirts of the deceased’s favourite team, or bikers have come dressed in leather.

The music choices have reflected what the deceased loved to listen to.

And all of these things go to making a successful farewell for someone. It’s important that their service should be a combination of respect and a reflection of them and it’s vital that the balance is just right every time.

T-shirt and jeans? But is it really progress?

If we were to go back in time 100 or more years and be expected to attend a funeral, there would be precious few alternatives to what we would be expected to wear. It would be uniformly black; suit, tie, and hat and black dresses for the ladies. English funerals were firmly rooted in Victorian tradition and there they stayed for decades. And even today we can see the echoes of those formalities filtering through to our services as funeral directors walk slowly before the hearse dressed in their pinstripe trousers, tailcoat, and top-hat, sometimes even clutching a silver-topped cane. looking like a scene from the 60s classic ‘Oliver’.

And why not?

After all, it’s a funeral and that’s what we’ve come to expect, isn’t it?

Since I started taking funeral services as a celebrant a few years ago, I’ve noticed very subtle but distinct changes. I always make a point of asking the family what the dress code is and if the deceased was 80-90 or more then tradition continues to lead the way and it’s a black tie. However, it is noticeable that as the age decreases then changes begin to slip in; coloured ties being the most noticeable, or wearing the deceased’s favourite colour, the changes are there for all to see.

And the changes are there throughout the funeral world. Funeral directors are striking out in all directions to be different. There is no longer a ‘one size fits all’ approach. Coffins come in all types, the service is your choice, the music is your choice, what is said about the deceased is your choice, even the type of service is your choice; direct cremation, live streaming, even a Do It Yourself service.

Progress is all well and good and completely unavoidable but where is the line to be drawn, if a line is to be drawn at all?

I have already taken services where a mourner has appeared in T shirt and shorts and one where everyone was asked to come in hoody and jeans because that’s what the deceased wore every day.

But where, if anywhere, should the line be drawn?

Progress is inevitable and it will be interesting to see what subtle changes funeral directors make in the oncoming years, if any. I think, regardless of the person’s age or demographic then the funeral garb of the funeral director lends a necessary solemnity and gravitas to what is, ultimately, a sad occasion. It would be sad if we were to fast forward 20 or 30 years to see services attended by everyone in T shirts and jeans. Funerals can be celebrations of life too but should it be at any cost?