How to Come up with Content for The Best Possible Eulogy

I’m often asked by families if it’s ok for them to write the eulogy for the deceased.

Of course it is.

There are some things to keep in mind when you write it though.

Think of the BIG topics

As a start, I ask families to consider the big topics from someone’s life and by that I mean; career, interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes, social life, school life. It’s a bit like starting a conversation with a stranger. Everyone will have something to say about some of these topics, some more and some less than others.

Start small

Writing a eulogy when you’ve never done it before can be quite daunting and it may be an idea before launching straight into it to carry a notebook or piece of paper around with you to jot down bullet points for a few days as and when they come to you.

They can always be fleshed out or discarded depending on how important they are.

It isn’t a Wikipedia entry

I quite often use this analogy when I talk to bereaved families who want to write their own eulogy.

No one wants to listen to something that sounds monotonous and drab, something that trots out dates of when this happened and when that happened with no filler in between.

What were they like?

As a starting point, I ask families to think about what the deceased was like. Were they funny, generous, kind, caring, adventurous or inquisitive? Think of some adjectives to describe them and say why that’s the case.

I have sat more times than I care to remember listening to people say

“He was hilarious. A laugh a minute. We could write a book about the things he did.”

Can you let me know one or two of them?

Anecdotes are your best friend

Without question, the best way to make any eulogy interesting is to scatter some anecdotes into it that demonstrate what the deceased was like. If they were accident-prone, then a few stories illustrating that will go a long way.

More isn’t necessarily better

At many crematoriums, there is a time limit for the service and so you need to be mindful of just how long the eulogy should be. In most cases, more is definitely not better unless you happen to be an exceptionally talented writer who will hold the attention of the mourners for the entire service.

I’ve found that in most cases, the ‘sweet spot’ for a eulogy is around the 5-6 minute mark, significantly less and mourners may feel short-changed. Significantly more and the attention of mourners may well start drifting off.

The Aim

The aim of a good eulogy, in my opinion, is to remind mourners what the deceased was like and to celebrate them as a person.

The eulogy should be a reflection of them as a person and as such, it can be humorous or it can be sombre and serious. A successful eulogy is about capturing the essence of the person and ensuring that their memory is celebrated.

Hitting The Balance Between Respect and Reflection.

In a recent post, I wrote about the dilemma some people face when they are deciding if something is appropriate or not. And I’m going to touch on that point again.

When you attend a funeral service in the UK, you’ll notice that funeral directors in their manner of dress are firmly entrenched in the Victorian era, with their tailcoats and top hats, walking solemnly before the hearse like a character from a Dickems novel.

When the hearse passes them, crematorium staff , funeral directors and celebrants bow as a mark of respect. Bearers and funeral directors bow to the coffin when it is placed on the catafalque. Mourners are asked to stand for the delivery of the words of committal. And there are so many other small and subtle gestures that go into making any service respectful.

If the scales were tipped all the way to the side of respect then services would be quite bland and would follow a very similar pattern each time. Respect in a service is essential but this respect has to be balanced with parts of the service that reflect the deceased.

I’ve done services where the deceased has arrived in a motorbike and sidecar, or in a banger racer or a double-decker bus. Most recently, the deceased’s coffin was crowd-surfed into the chapel along a corridor of mourners outside the chapel. All those choices reflected the loves and interests of the deceased and importantly, what the next-of-kin had chosen.

There have been services where mourners have worn football shirts of the deceased’s favourite team, or bikers have come dressed in leather.

The music choices have reflected what the deceased loved to listen to.

And all of these things go to making a successful farewell for someone. It’s important that their service should be a combination of respect and a reflection of them and it’s vital that the balance is just right every time.

Do You Think It’s Appropriate For a Funeral?

A question I’m asked with alarming regularity is;

‘I’m not sure if it’s appropriate. What do you think?

This is often about music choices. I can see the wheels turning in the next of kin’s mind as they wrestle with the dilemma.

John really liked heavy metal but it’s a funeral. Aren’t funerals meant to be all sad and sombre?

Well, sometimes they are.

And sometimes they aren’t.

When it comes to music, you need to ask yourself two questions.

Did the deceased like it?

Does it mean something to those who are left?

If the answer to both those questions is ‘yes’, then your dilemma is answered.

It’s appropriate.

Go ahead, choose ‘Highway to Hell‘ choose ‘Burn Baby Burn‘. Choose whatever the heck you want because this is your chance to remember them in the best way possible and if you think you have to sit through 10 minutes of a mind-numbingly dull hymn ( mentioning no name) then you are sadly mistaken.

There’s nothing wrong with hymns, some of them are lovely and if they are a reflection of the deceased, then have one. But please don’t feel that having a hymn is mandatory just because you happen to be in a chapel or a crematorium.

I speak from my, and many of my fellow celebrants, experience, that when the music choices are a true reflection of a person, it means so much more than mechanically choosing something that you think you have to have.

So if dad played ‘Living On A Prayer‘ at full volume, on loop, every time you drove down to Cornwall on holiday, then for goodness sake, make sure you choose it for his funeral.

Are Wool Coffins ‘Hot’ Right Now?

‘’Noe person or persons whatsoever shall be buryed in any Shirt Shift or Sheete made of or mingled with Flax Hempe, Silke, Haire, Gold or Silver or other then what shall be made of Wooll onely’’

See the source image

(wool coffin from ‘naturalendings.co.uk)

In 1667, the above law, the ‘Burial in Woollen Act’ was passed. Its’ purpose was to stimulate growth in the British textile industry. The only exclusions allowed at the time were victims of the plague and the poor.

Fast forward then to the present day, and being buried in wool has been seeing something of a resurgence in popularity. But this time, it isn’t the economy that needs to be saved, it’s the planet.

As the dissatisfaction with traditional funerals wanes and the awareness of the need for a ‘greener’ option grows, families have been seeking ever more inventive ways to dispose of their loved ones. And funeral furniture providers have been happy to oblige. There has been a 10% growth in coffins made from alternative materials, with wicker and cardboard emerging as clear favourites. But lately, providers have been getting more and more creative and there are now coffins made from willow, wool, bamboo, banana leaf, water hyacinth, felt and recycled paper on the market.

Wool is one of the materials preferred by those who have looked into planning a funeral independently and the top supplier in the country is Yorkshire based A.W. Hainsworth, a seventh-generation family business dating back 229 years. Last year saw them celebrate the 10th anniversary of the world’s first patented woollen coffin, working alongside JC Atkinson, one of the country’s top suppliers of wooden coffins. The coffins were premiered at The National Funeral exhibition accompanied by a number of sheep that walked the floor to raise awareness.

Handmade in Pudsey, West Yorkshire, each coffin uses three British wool fleeces. In 2011, the company was selling 15 woollen coffins a month, now it sells 120 over the same period in the UK and sales worldwide, including the UK, stand at around 160-180 per month, with greatest demand coming from Australia and New Zealand.

The sustainability of each coffin has been carefully considered and perfected over the last 10 years; the woollen outer layer is hand-fitted around a recycled cardboard frame. The frame is then reinforced with an MDF baseboard for rigidity and stability, and lined with a soft woollen wadding for a mattress base. The interior of each coffin is lined with cotton, attractively edged with jute and completed with a covered pillow, and the exterior is finished with a beautiful blanket stitch detail, jute handles and simple wooden toggle fastenings.

Hainsworth’s Marketing Manager Julie Roberts is justifiably proud, not only of the product’s green credentials but also of the other benefits it offers bereaved families. The coffin itself, as she says is “less harsh, not the traditional coffin shape” and this appeals certainly to younger or more sensitive mourners who may be upset by the angles and solid appearance of a traditional wood coffin.

The colour too has played a role in what families have chosen. Originally available in white or traditional black, the company found that the black wasn’t as popular and decided to change it to grey. Suddenly, it became more popular. A choice that Julie puts down to the coffin now resembling

“a man in a woollen overcoat.”

As more and more families look to less traditional ways of celebrating the passing of their loved ones, the comments from families on Hainsworth’s website bear testament to this as one family said, it transformed the funeral from;

“dark and bleak to soft, warm, loving and a bit beautiful.  It felt a bit more like putting dad to ‘bed” 

In fact, the soft angles and the tactile qualities of the wool have made it a popular choice for parents who have suffered the tragic loss of a child. It is light enough to be carried by one person and is, in her words, “evocative of a Moses basket”. She has received letters of thanks from many parents who have said that the soft, warm feel of the wool has made the loss somehow more bearable.

The difficulty for Hainsworth however, lies not with the popularity of the wool coffin, its’ look or its’ green credentials, but rather that it isn’t being promoted as a viable choice by funeral directors who are still reluctant to offer families anything too far from coffins made in the traditional shape and from traditional materials. They are still reliant on families who have done their own research into 100 sustainable options and are aware of the choices on offer.

But support for the wool coffins initially came from a very significant source, not other than HRH The Prince of Wales, whose green beliefs are well-documented, who declared “I discovered a company that makes a woollen coffin – Coffins ladies and gentlemen to die for!” at the opening of the wool modern exhibition in 2009.

So, as funerals move slowly away from the traditional and companies look to ways to discover greener and more sustainable ways to say farewell to our loved ones, maybe, as we did some 350 years ago, wool coffins hold the key.

Yet Another Fascinating Find in a Dorset Graveyard

Hero or Villain? The Much-Maligned Army Officer Edward James Montagu-Stuart-Wortley.

Taking advantage of a recent day out to Highcliffe castle, I went out to explore the local churchyard of St Marks in Highcliffe. I hadn’t gone along deliberately to seek out ‘celebrity’ gravestones but it was here that I saw signs to ‘The Selfridge Family Graves’ and perhaps I’ll write a post about Harry Selfridge on here one day.

Wandering through the graveyard, which has some pretty spectacular statues and memorials, I was struck by one particular one, a semi-circular wall with the wording ‘Pax Eterna’ ‘Eternal Peace’. The memorial was dedicated to one Edward James Montagu-Stuart-Wortley CB, CMG, DSO, MVO, and his story is a fascinating one.

He was a man, not short on bravery, who experienced some of the most significant events in warfare of the late 19th and early 20th century when the British Empire was most powerful, but in his later years suffered at the hands of his superiors, rightly or wrongly, you decide.

Early Years

He was born on 31st July 1857 into a family of some distinction, his grandfather was a Tory politician and 2nd Baron of Wharncliffe, his uncle was a peer and 1st Earl of Wharncliffe.

‘Eddie’ attended Eton College and went on to gain a commissison to The King’s Royal Rifle Corps in 1877.

Pre-World War I

Before the first world war, his career was action-packed and took him all over the world. He saw action in the Afghan war in 1878 where he was mentioned in despatches.

He served with the Natal Field Force in the first Boer War (1881), before his association with the Egyptian Army. He was Military Secretary to General Valentine Baker (1882) and then ADC to General Sir Evelyn Wood (1883-4), taking part in the battle of Tel-el-Kebir. He served throughout the Nile Expedition (1884-5), and was twice mentioned in despatches.

He was Brigade-Major at Malta (1893-6) and during the Nile Expedition (1897-8) was 2i/c of a Gunboat Flotilla, winning a DSO. During the South African War, he commanded 2nd Battalion King’s Royal Rifle Corps (1900-1) at the relief of Ladysmith. From July 1901 until July 1904 he was British Military Attaché in Paris. He commanded 10th Infantry Brigade, at Shorncliffe, from April 1908 until April 1912 and in June 1914 took command of the North Midland Division Territorial Force.

Links to Kaiser Wilhelm

After his marriage to Violet Hunter Guthrie in 1891, Eddie was living in Highcliffe Castle and in 1907 Kaiser Wilhelm II rented the property for the summer to recover from a throat infection. In return for his hospitality, Edward was given two stained glass windows for the castle and invited to visit the German Army’s manoeuvres at Alsace the next year. This connection with the Kaiser brought Eddie into royal circles and during WWI, the 46th (North Midland) Division became the first Territorial division to deploy to France as a complete formation and in March 1915, King George V took a particular interest in its fate and asked Montagu-Stuart-Wortley to write to him weekly. Although Montagu-Stuart-Wortley received permission from Sir John French and Sir Horace Smith-Dorrien to do this, when the correspondence came to the notice of the GOC XI Corps, Richard Haking, and the GOC First Army, Sir Douglas Haig, during the King’s tour of the front in October 1915, they expressed their ‘severe displeasure’. Montagu-Stuart-Wortley was a marked man.

Hohenzollern Redoubt, the Beginning of the End

During his time as General Officer Commanding (GOC) the 46th North Midland Division, the division saw action in the Battle of Loos when it made a costly attack on the Hohenzollern Redoubt. Montagu-Stuart-Wortley had foreseen the difficulties with a frontal attack and proposed a bombing raid. He was overruled by his corps commander General Richard Haking and ordered to undertake a frontal attack. The attack, as he had imagined, led to a catastrophic loss of life with 180 officers and 3583 men killed, wounded, or missing. The attack would go down in military history as ‘a tragic waste of infantry’. Haking, in correspondence with the King, openly blamed Montagu-Stuart-Wortley for the ‘unnecessary losses’ and paved the way for any future encounters.

Gommecourt, a Reputation in Tatters

In planning for the Somme in 1916, the 46th, along with the 56th North London Division, was tasked with creating a diversionary attack at Gommecourt salient at the northern end of the British line.

When the initial attack took place at 7.30 am on the first day of the Somme offensive, they found that the German army had reinforced its’ numbers and the attack was a complete disaster. Despite the heavy losses incurred in the opening attack and Montagu-Stuart-Wortley being able to see clearly that any further attempts would be a futile waste of life, he was ordered to launch a renewed attack at midday. However, the 46th had reached a state of chaos in its’ own lines and was unable to re-engage. After several failed attempts to organize his troops, it became clear to Montagu-Stuart-Wortley that there was no chance of success whatsoever. But at 3.30 that day, he was ordered, again by senior officers, to launch an attack and so, in perhaps what can be considered a humane gesture, he ordered a token attack by two rifle companies, with only one platoon of 20 going ‘over the top’ and of that platoon only 2 men returned unscathed.

That evening, the 56th, who Montagu-Stuart-Wortley’s 46th were meant to support, were forced back after 13 hours of continuous fighting and suffering heavy losses. The 46th, for its’ part, had the rather ignominious record of suffering the fewest losses (2455 killed, wounded, or missing) of any of the 13 British divisions involved that day.

The fallout was swift and brutal. The 46th gained a reputation as a poor quality military formation for leaving its’fellow territorials to fight on in an impossible situation. Montagu-Stuart-Wortley was openly castigated by VII Corps Commander Lieutenant-General Thomas D’Oyly Snow who stated in his report that the;

’46th showed a lack of offensive spirit’ and that ‘Major-General the Hon. E J Montagu-Stuart-Wortley, is not of an age, neither has he the constitution, to allow him to be as much among his men in the front lines as is necessary to imbue all ranks with confidence and spirit .’

Lieutenant-General Thomas D’Oyly Snow

Field Marshall Haig agreed and Montagu-Stuart-Wortley was dismissed from his post with the recommendation that he should never serve as a divisional commander again. He thus became the only officer to be sacked from his post during the war.

Later Life

Upon his return home, he was appointed to the backwater command of the 65th (Second Lowland) Division in Ireland until March 1919. He retired from army service on 31st July 1919 and spent many years protesting fruitlessly on his own behalf to the government for his perceived maltreatment at the hands of Haig and Haking.

His orders on that fateful day at Gommecourt were to ‘occupy the ground won by the artillery‘ and since no ground was won, his dismissal remains the subject of some controversy with many believing that he and the 46th were made scapegoats for the;

‘fatally flawed concept dreamt up by higher authority..the diversionary attack at Gommecourt’

( Alan MacDonald. ‘A Lack of Offensive Spirit?’)

Nevertheless, what didn’t help Montagu-Stuart-Wortley’s case was that despite his early successes in his career, he made himself a target to Haig by corresponding with King George and also disagreeing with Haking over Hohenzollern Redoubt and so, in many ways, his future was already set with two very powerful and influential officers waiting for him to make any sort of error.

The futile sacrifice of the millions of men during World War I is well-documented in the history books as the ‘lions led by donkeys’. What is not always so well-known is the stories of the individuals like Montagu-Stuart-Wortley who, were it not for upsetting some influential people, could well have retired from the Army with a glowing record.

Amazing Ways To Save The Planet. Even When You’re Dead.

Cremation, as a choice when we die, was almost unheard of even in the late 1800’s, but now around 80% of us choose it as our preferred method over burial.

The environmental problem with cremations is that each one releases around 250kg of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, and with around 500,000 deaths on average each year in the UK, that’s 400,000 cremations and a staggering 25 million tons of CO2 each year.

But, cremation and burial aren’t the only two options available to us now. With our views fixed firmly on looking after our planet while we’re alive, it’s only right we should do our best when we die too.

So, what are the options out there for looking after the planet once you’ve gone?

Become a Coral Reef

US based company ‘Eternal Reefs'( https://www.eternalreefs.com/ ) was started by two friends from Florida who were looking for ways to protect the coral reefs that they could see were dying out as they went diving.

After considerable research into finding the most environmentally friendly product, they are now able to mix cremated remains with concrete to form a ‘pearl’ which is lowered to the ocean floor to create a natural habitat for fish and other marine life.

Feed A Tree

Why not be buried in a biodegradable pot along with a tree seed? That’s the idea from UK company ‘Urns for Ashes'( https://www.urnsforashes.co.uk/ ), who provide all manner of urns.

The ‘bio urn tree’ houses, not only your ashes, but also the seed of a tree of your choice, so when the tree grows, the urn decomposes, and it, along with your ashes, provides nourishment and fertilizes growth.

What better way to ensure your legacy lives on?

Get Wrapped in a Woolly Coffin

Eco-friendly coffins as an option have been around for some time with funeral homes, and wicker and cardboard have emerged as the preferred options to wood.

But, there are other, more eco-friendly, sustainable options on the market.

There is a company in Yorkshire, ‘Hainsworth’ https://www.hainsworth.co.uk/ who will deliver you a WOOL coffin. The coffin is lined with cardboard and you have the option to decorate it. The added benefits, not simply from a sustainability point of view are that the coffin is easier on the eye for younger mourners and certainly easier on the touch. And what’s more the environmental impact of such a choice is negligible as the whole coffin is bio-degradable.

Get Flushed Down the Drain

Resomation, alkaline hydrolysis or water cremation

The whole process of resomation sounds particularly unpleasant but from an environmental point of view, it’s head and shoulders above a traditional flame cremation.

What is involved?

The body is placed into a large metal container, a little bigger than a coffin and a solution of 95% warm water and 5% potassium hydroxide is added. This solution is heated to 180 degrees C, a good 800 degrees less than a normal cremation, reducing gas emissions by 35%.

Inside the container, the solution dissolves the fat and tissue naturally from the body, leaving just the bones. The remains can be returned to the water cycle and treated at a water plant like any other waste water. The bones can be ground into ashes and returned to the family like a normal cremation.

Resomation is practiced across many US states and Canada and there is a lot of interest from other European countries, however, the UK is still steadfastly holding out. But it is probably only a matter of time with the company Resomation ( https://resomation.com/ ) already making waves (ahem).

And there you have it. A selection of viable options to dispose of your, or your loved one’s remains, that are not only good for the environment but will also sustain it.

Another Fascinating Find in a Dorset Churchyard

Rector, scientist, artist, coin collector, antiquarian; the list of achievements of Rev. Thomas Rackett go on and on.

Drive along the A350 from Corfe Mullen towards Blandford, and you’ll go past the church of St John the Baptist in Spetisbury. In the cemetery stands an imposing three-sided pyramid about 7 feet high. This is a memorial to one Thomas Rackett, rector of the parish and his wife Dorothy.

Such a striking memorial stands out against the more commonplace tombstones dotted around the cemetery, and little wonder because Rackett was quite an influential character.

Early years

He was born in London in 1757 and was a rather precocious child. At the age of 14, he recited the ode for the Shakespearean jubilee to the renowned actor David Garrick. He was so impressed that he presented Rackett with a gilt copy of the speech. In 1771, Garrick went one better and presented Rackett with a folio copy of Shakespeare.

The fact that the young Rackett was consorting in such company may come as a surprise to some, but growing up he was in touch with some of the most influential and greatest minds of the day. He was taught to draw by Theodosius Forrest and Paul Sandby a founding member of the Royal Academy; he was given an interest in natural history by the renowned surgeon and scientist John Hunter, who worked with Edward Jenner on the smallpox vaccination https://celebrantglynbawden.com/a-fascinating-find-in-a-dorset-graveyard/ and as a young boy he had his portrait painted by the renowned artist George Romney.

He graduated from Oxford with an MA in 1780 and at that same time became rector of St John’s in Spetisbury, the position he would hold for just over 60 years.

London life

At the time, the Dorset parish was one of the wealthier parishes, bringing in rental sums of around £750 pa, more than enough for a rector and his family to live on, and prior to Rackett, that is exactly what had happened. However, Rackett was more interested in pursuing his many other interests and living a life in London, than he was in being rector of a small parish in Dorset.

Throughout his 61 year tenure, he spent about 30 years at his house in London rubbing shoulders with eminent scientists and antiquaries of the day and spending the rental income from his post as rector on various treats and works of art.

He was friends with the Italian astronomer and scientist Tiberius Cavallo https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiberius_Cavallo#:~:text=Tiberius%20Cavallo%20%28also%20Tiberio%29, who stayed with him at his home in Spetisbury. He also studied Dorset’s natural history, archaeology and geology.

In the early 1800’s, there was such an influential group of scientists and antiquaries living in Blandford that Dorset, for some years, became the centre of enlightenment thinking and scientific discovery and Rackett was right at the heart of it.

Problems

Unsurprisingly, his parishioners became disillusioned with their absent rector and voiced their c0mplaints to the landowner Lord Lansdowne, who took the complaint to the House of Lords. In addition to this, suspicions had been raised to the Bishop of Bristol as he discovered that several parishioners were converting to Roman Catholicism and Rackett was leaving a low paid curate to do his work in his place, and so wrote a letter to Rackett asking for an explanation.

Rackett had to answer his case to both the bishop and the House of Lords, but evidently was a very persuasive man because no further action was taken and he was allowed to continue his varied pursuits for many years afterwards.

An accomplished artist, he illustrated the second edition of the Rev. John Hutchins life’s work ‘ History and Antiquities of the County of Dorset’. He was a member of the Royal Society, the Linnean Society, the Society of Antiquaries of London and was an avid collector of Greek coins and in his 80’s was studying conchology.

On his memorial on the pyramid in St John’s church Spetisbury are carved the words;

‘During near LX years His diligence and eminent talents were not confined to the exercise of Parochial duties…’

Never were there truer words said. It was a remarkable life, lived to the full at the very forefront of, what was then, cutting edge scientific, artistic and historical investigation.

The Most Bizarre Death Rituals From Around The World

Fancy being buried in a giant-sized shoe? Or being left out for the vultures? That’s what could happen if you lived in one of these places…

Madagascar

The Malagasy people follow a tradition known as Famadihana (https://theculturetrip.com/africa/madagascar/articles/famadihana-madagascars-day-of-the-dead/ ) which means ‘turning of the bodies’. What this tradition involves is the Malagasay bringing the bodies of their ancestors from the family crypts and rewrap them in fresh clothes. You would think that this would be enough but it isn’t. The Malagasay then dance with the corpses around the tomb to live music. Apparently, it is a way to remember their dead relatives and loved ones from time to time. They bury them again after carrying them around their villages.

Surely a photograph would be easier.

The Zoroastrians

At one time, Zoroastrianism was one of the most widely practised religions of the ancient world. However, after thousands of years of persecution, there remain only about 200,000 practising members living mainly in India.

Zoroastrians, as a rule, aren’t all that comfortable with dead bodies. Because the corpses of the deceased are seen as defiling everything they touch. Zoroastrian ( http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/zoroastrian/ )funerals begin by cleansing the body in unconsecrated bull’s urine. After the body has been “cleansed,” it is laid in linen to be visited by “Sagdid” a four-eyed dog. The ‘four-eyes’ comes from the idea that ideally, the dog has a spot over each of its’ normal eyes to focus its’ gaze. This rite is repeated five times throughout the day. Finally, the linens are removed using special tools that prevent members of the community from touching the defiled garments and the deceased is placed on the top of a “Tower of Silence” to be consumed by vultures; a process that’s seen as doing the smallest possible amount of harm to the living.

Tibet

Tibetan Buddhists also practice ritual dissection or ’Sky Burial’ (https://www.tibettravel.org/tibetan-local-customs/tibetan-funeral.html )and follow the tradition of chopping up the dead into small pieces and giving the remains to animals, particularly birds. Although at times, the body is left intact. To the western world this may seem undignified and even a bit disgusting, but, from a Buddhist perspective, it makes complete sense. Buddhists have no desire to preserve or commemorate a dead body, something that is seen as an empty vessel.

Furthermore, in tune with their respect for all life, Buddhists consider it most fitting that one’s final act is to have their remains used to sustain the life of another living creature; and in fact, the ritual is seen as a gesture of compassion and charity. Even today, over 80% of Tibetan Buddhists choose Sky Burial, a ritual that has been observed for thousands of years.

Papua New Guinea

Losing a loved one is a traumatic experience in itself but the Dani people of West Papua, New Guinea until not so very long ago took this to a whole new level and made any woman and child related to the deceased cut off their own fingers. Astonishingly, the reason for this was to drive away the spirits of the deceased and to use physical pain as an expression of sorrow and suffering. To perform the amputation, fingers were tied tightly with string and then cut off with an axe. The leftover piece was then dried and burned to ashes or stored in a special place. Not surprisingly, the barbaric ritual is now banned in New Guinea, but older members of the community still display the physical signs.

Benguet, the Philipines (https://www.funeralwise.com/digital-dying/the-spectacular-death-rituals-of-the-philippines/ )

The Philippines, although it is largely a Christian society nowadays, people who live in more remote regions follow the customs they have followed for hundreds of years. Benguet is a landlocked province in the southern tip of the island of Luzon. When someone dies here, friends and relatives convene at the deceased’s house. The body is cleaned, and a few of the men are dispatched to collect bamboo, which they then fashion into a chair, so far so normal, nothing too out of the ordinary, but this is when things start to go awry. The body of the deceased is seated on the bamboo chair and fastened in place with more bamboo and strips of cloth. So that the deceased does not have to bear witness to the suffering in the world, the body is blindfolded. A fire is lit to fend off insects and also to act as a beacon just in case the deceased’s spirit wanders off and is unable to find its’ way home.

This period lasts for eight days and, as you might expect, the body begins to decay. And while we in the West may find this pretty distasteful, this holds no fear for the Benguet people, quite the opposite in fact. They actually make jokes about the smell, and happily offer alcoholic drinks to the body during the mourning feast. The night before the funeral, elders give a chanted biography of the deceased and as the body is buried, mourners hit bamboo sticks together in the belief it will help the departed find their way to heaven.

South Korea

Cremation is becoming a more popular choice for many families in the small country of South Korea but not for the reasons you may think. In fact, because the country is so small it is fast running out of burial space and a law passed in 2000 requires families who choose burial for their loved ones to remove the grave after 60 years.

But rather than have their family members stored in urns, the Koreans prefer to have the ashes pressed into ‘death beads’ for about £900, in a choice of colours turquoise, pink or black. These are then displayed around the house.

Ghana (https://roadsandkingdoms.com/travel-guide/accra/the-fantasy-coffins-of-ghana/ )

While the tradition of the funeral itself is more like what we are familiar with in the UK as the service is a memorial and a celebration of the deceased, there is one very significant difference in Ghananian funerals. The departed is laid to rest in a ‘fantasy coffin’( see photo)

The idea is that the coffin is fashioned to represent something that the person was known for in life; a Nike training shoe, a 747 jet or maybe a guitar, and by being buried with something that represents their passion, it’s taken with them into the next life.

Coffin making in Ghana is an art and the designs are purposely brash and colourful, so they stand out as the dead are taken to their resting place in true party style, with some funerals lasting as long as two or three days. 

So, if you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of having to make choices over the funeral of a loved one, be grateful that, difficult though it is, your choices are going to be restricted to cremation or burial and what sort of coffin to have and not which finger you should choose to remove!

How To Help Someone Grieving

The chances are that we will all know someone who has suffered some sort of loss during the current pandemic. How can we help?

When someone we know suffers a loss, there isn’t a handbook on how to behave and what to say or do. Our reactions are mostly left to chance and we may feel like we might say or do the wrong thing and so, end up doing nothing. Sometimes this may leave the bereaved person, who is already experiencing a range of challenging and painful emotions, in a vulnerable and difficult position. They may already feel isolated after their loss and in desperate need of comfort and when they are grieving is the time they need support the most.

Don’t be afraid of stepping up and offering support or comfort at these times. There are many things we can say and do to help, and often just being there and showing that you are supportive is enough to help make the first tentative steps to recovery.

How to help someone grieving

Be There

It’s as simple as that really. Just offer to be there for them in person. Physical presence and contact is one of the most important means of helping to deal with grief.

Offer a shoulder to cry on and let them know that it’s ok to cry. There is still something of a stigma around crying in front of others, especially for men, but it’s important in terms of acknowledging and accepting our grief in order to move forward. (https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-practical-and-proven-ways-to-help-overcome-your-loss/.

And even in current times when that physical contact may not always be possible, with technology, it’s easy to text, WhatsApp, FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, or any of the other multitude of face to face contacts that have sprung up because of lockdown.

Offer to do something specific

It’s very easy when we come into contact with someone who has suffered a loss to say ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do.’ It doesn’t help. Sorry. It’s too vague and your kind and albeit well-meaning offer will more than likely be forgotten.

Instead, offer to do something concrete. Your friend’s or relative’s mind will be swirling, trying to come to terms with what has happened. Of course there are things to do, so offer to do something specific.

‘Let me do some shopping for you this week.’

‘Let me take the kids to school this week.’

‘Why don’t I cook you dinner tonight.’

Share a Positive Memory

The bereaved will be in turmoil coming to terms with what has happened and that they will never see that person again. What they have left is their memories and it is such a comfort if you can play a part and let them know how their loved one affected you. There are times when I take services as a celebrant that the bereaved asks me to read messages from friends and family that have been sent in sympathy cards and the impact of those messages on everyone is incredible. It is important to know and to remember that even though your loved one may be gone physically, their legacy will live on through the memories everyone has of them.

Let go of time expectations

Grief is such a complex emotion and dependent on so many different things. It will affect everyone differently and as I said in my previous post- https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-practical-and-proven-ways-to-help-overcome-your-loss/ even though the five stages of grief may well exist, grief is not a neatly defined linear experience. It affects everyone differently and one of those areas is how long it lasts. Someone may go for weeks or months without showing signs of grieving and we may believe that they are over their loss. The truth is, they are never over their loss, they just learn to live with it better. The grief is still there, the waves still come, so we should avoid at all costs, the temptation to think that because someone is not showing the signs of grieving that they are ‘over it’.

Choose What You Say

It is easy to offer empty statements that have little meaning at such hard times, and it’s no-one’s fault. As a society, we are so poorly equipped to deal with loss when it happens, that we are frequently left tongue-tied or giving vague statements about how someone must feel. Even if we’ve experienced a loss of our own, don’t presume that we know how someone is feeling.

Say ‘I can’t imagine how you must feel.’

Offer your support ‘I’m here for you.’ Be specific, ‘I’m home every day from 5 so call me if you want to chat.’

Memorialize the deceased

Many people who lose a loved one, especially in tragic circumstances do something special to memorialize that person; they may set up a charity or a foundation to help others going through the same pain.

There are many opportunities to keep the memory of the loved one alive; perhaps plant a tree, or do a race for charity, do something special to raise funds for something meaningful and memorable.

What matters is two things, giving some sense of purpose to those who are left behind and keeping the memory of the deceased alive in a positive way.

We know for a fact that at some point in our lives we will lose someone close to us and go through the pain of grieving. We will also be in contact with others who lose someone close, and while it is inevitable and none of us have a handy guide to help us through those hard times, there are ways to make it more bearable.

Six Practical And Proven Ways To Help Overcome Your Loss

COVID19 has just about rewritten the rule book on how to grieve during the recent pandemic.

As a result of the COVID19 fallout, many will experience ‘disenfranchised grief’, a term that describes the feeling of loss when what has been lost is something not recognised by society with the same significance as a loved one. We are conditioned to comfort grieving sons, daughters, siblings, parents, and friends because it is the societal norm. But what if you have lost the chance to celebrate a significant event, or lost a job, or savings? Or a combination of these? The feelings of loss and powerlessness are just as real.

In my recent post https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-surprising-reasons-why-covid19-is-worse-than-we-imagined/ I looked at ways in which people are currently experiencing grief that are not necessarily related to death as we would expect, but nevertheless to a feeling of loss.

If you have experienced one or even a combination of those losses, then your sense of grief is very real indeed, and as with any loss, there are ways in which you need to deal with it.

Dealing with your loss

Acknowledge your grief

It is important to recognize that you are grieving and to give yourself permission to grieve and allow your emotions free rein, and accept that grief is not a simple, linear experience. Don’t compare your own feelings of loss to anyone else’s. We all grieve differently and grief will manifest itself differently for every one of us. The five stages of grief identified by Kubler-Ross https://www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-4175361 may well exist and you may experience all of them but they aren’t necessarily sequential and how long each one lasts is impossible to define. What is important is that you begin the grieving process freely and without guilt.

Write down or record how you feel

Keeping a journal, noting your feelings day by day can help let the feelings out, or writing a letter even if you don’t intend to send it. With iPhones to hand, it would be easy to record a video diary of your feelings even if you delete them later.

Know your triggers

Because grief is not something that can be easily controlled, it may help if you identify triggers that set off the overwhelming waves when they occur. Maybe it’s a tune you liked or a place you visited. Knowing the triggers can go a long way to dealing with your loss.

Establish or maintain a routine

It may seem like the hardest thing imaginable to go back to a normal routine when you have suffered the trauma of loss, but even though you may feel like closing all the windows and doors, curling up beneath a blanket and doing nothing, that will only focus all your attention on your loss. Establishing a routine or getting back to your old one doesn’t mean you are uncaring or insensitive. It gives your life meaning and a sense of purpose that may otherwise be lacking.

Eat and sleep properly

Look after yourself and your health throughout any period of grieving or loss. It’s easier said than done, when you lose the urge to eat at normal times or have difficulty sleeping. See your GP if you can’t sleep, or try other remedies but sleep is vital if you are to come through.

Share your feelings with others

‘A problem shared is a problem halved’ as the saying goes. And never was a truer phrase spoken. Keeping feelings bottled up will potentially lead to more serious issues down the line. Certainly in the current climate it wouldn’t be too difficult to find someone in a similar situation where you could offload to one another.

If that’s not possible then contact any one of the agencies who offer help freely like The Samaritans( https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/ ) or Crisis Text Line ( https://www.crisistextline.uk/ ).

Whatever happens we shouldn’t underestimate our feelings of loss, or feel any guilt. Feelings of grief and loss, if left untended and unaddressed can lead to far more serious mental health issues and because we are all experiencing losses on a far greater, collective scale than any of us can recall, we need to be mindful of how important it is to recognise and deal with these feelings when they arise.