I’m often asked by families if it’s ok for them to write the eulogy for the deceased.
Of course it is.
There are some things to keep in mind when you write it though.
Think of the BIG topics
As a start, I ask families to consider the big topics from someone’s life and by that I mean; career, interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes, social life, school life. It’s a bit like starting a conversation with a stranger. Everyone will have something to say about some of these topics, some more and some less than others.
Start small
Writing a eulogy when you’ve never done it before can be quite daunting and it may be an idea before launching straight into it to carry a notebook or piece of paper around with you to jot down bullet points for a few days as and when they come to you.
They can always be fleshed out or discarded depending on how important they are.
It isn’t a Wikipedia entry
I quite often use this analogy when I talk to bereaved families who want to write their own eulogy.
No one wants to listen to something that sounds monotonous and drab, something that trots out dates of when this happened and when that happened with no filler in between.
What were they like?
As a starting point, I ask families to think about what the deceased was like. Were they funny, generous, kind, caring, adventurous or inquisitive? Think of some adjectives to describe them and say why that’s the case.
I have sat more times than I care to remember listening to people say
“He was hilarious. A laugh a minute. We could write a book about the things he did.”
Can you let me know one or two of them?
Anecdotes are your best friend
Without question, the best way to make any eulogy interesting is to scatter some anecdotes into it that demonstrate what the deceased was like. If they were accident-prone, then a few stories illustrating that will go a long way.
More isn’t necessarily better
At many crematoriums, there is a time limit for the service and so you need to be mindful of just how long the eulogy should be. In most cases, more is definitely not better unless you happen to be an exceptionally talented writer who will hold the attention of the mourners for the entire service.
I’ve found that in most cases, the ‘sweet spot’ for a eulogy is around the 5-6 minute mark, significantly less and mourners may feel short-changed. Significantly more and the attention of mourners may well start drifting off.
The Aim
The aim of a good eulogy, in my opinion, is to remind mourners what the deceased was like and to celebrate them as a person.
The eulogy should be a reflection of them as a person and as such, it can be humorous or it can be sombre and serious. A successful eulogy is about capturing the essence of the person and ensuring that their memory is celebrated.