Month: June 2020

How To Help Someone Grieving

The chances are that we will all know someone who has suffered some sort of loss during the current pandemic. How can we help?

When someone we know suffers a loss, there isn’t a handbook on how to behave and what to say or do. Our reactions are mostly left to chance and we may feel like we might say or do the wrong thing and so, end up doing nothing. Sometimes this may leave the bereaved person, who is already experiencing a range of challenging and painful emotions, in a vulnerable and difficult position. They may already feel isolated after their loss and in desperate need of comfort and when they are grieving is the time they need support the most.

Don’t be afraid of stepping up and offering support or comfort at these times. There are many things we can say and do to help, and often just being there and showing that you are supportive is enough to help make the first tentative steps to recovery.

How to help someone grieving

Be There

It’s as simple as that really. Just offer to be there for them in person. Physical presence and contact is one of the most important means of helping to deal with grief.

Offer a shoulder to cry on and let them know that it’s ok to cry. There is still something of a stigma around crying in front of others, especially for men, but it’s important in terms of acknowledging and accepting our grief in order to move forward. (https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-practical-and-proven-ways-to-help-overcome-your-loss/.

And even in current times when that physical contact may not always be possible, with technology, it’s easy to text, WhatsApp, FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, or any of the other multitude of face to face contacts that have sprung up because of lockdown.

Offer to do something specific

It’s very easy when we come into contact with someone who has suffered a loss to say ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do.’ It doesn’t help. Sorry. It’s too vague and your kind and albeit well-meaning offer will more than likely be forgotten.

Instead, offer to do something concrete. Your friend’s or relative’s mind will be swirling, trying to come to terms with what has happened. Of course there are things to do, so offer to do something specific.

‘Let me do some shopping for you this week.’

‘Let me take the kids to school this week.’

‘Why don’t I cook you dinner tonight.’

Share a Positive Memory

The bereaved will be in turmoil coming to terms with what has happened and that they will never see that person again. What they have left is their memories and it is such a comfort if you can play a part and let them know how their loved one affected you. There are times when I take services as a celebrant that the bereaved asks me to read messages from friends and family that have been sent in sympathy cards and the impact of those messages on everyone is incredible. It is important to know and to remember that even though your loved one may be gone physically, their legacy will live on through the memories everyone has of them.

Let go of time expectations

Grief is such a complex emotion and dependent on so many different things. It will affect everyone differently and as I said in my previous post- https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-practical-and-proven-ways-to-help-overcome-your-loss/ even though the five stages of grief may well exist, grief is not a neatly defined linear experience. It affects everyone differently and one of those areas is how long it lasts. Someone may go for weeks or months without showing signs of grieving and we may believe that they are over their loss. The truth is, they are never over their loss, they just learn to live with it better. The grief is still there, the waves still come, so we should avoid at all costs, the temptation to think that because someone is not showing the signs of grieving that they are ‘over it’.

Choose What You Say

It is easy to offer empty statements that have little meaning at such hard times, and it’s no-one’s fault. As a society, we are so poorly equipped to deal with loss when it happens, that we are frequently left tongue-tied or giving vague statements about how someone must feel. Even if we’ve experienced a loss of our own, don’t presume that we know how someone is feeling.

Say ‘I can’t imagine how you must feel.’

Offer your support ‘I’m here for you.’ Be specific, ‘I’m home every day from 5 so call me if you want to chat.’

Memorialize the deceased

Many people who lose a loved one, especially in tragic circumstances do something special to memorialize that person; they may set up a charity or a foundation to help others going through the same pain.

There are many opportunities to keep the memory of the loved one alive; perhaps plant a tree, or do a race for charity, do something special to raise funds for something meaningful and memorable.

What matters is two things, giving some sense of purpose to those who are left behind and keeping the memory of the deceased alive in a positive way.

We know for a fact that at some point in our lives we will lose someone close to us and go through the pain of grieving. We will also be in contact with others who lose someone close, and while it is inevitable and none of us have a handy guide to help us through those hard times, there are ways to make it more bearable.

Six Practical And Proven Ways To Help Overcome Your Loss

COVID19 has just about rewritten the rule book on how to grieve during the recent pandemic.

As a result of the COVID19 fallout, many will experience ‘disenfranchised grief’, a term that describes the feeling of loss when what has been lost is something not recognised by society with the same significance as a loved one. We are conditioned to comfort grieving sons, daughters, siblings, parents, and friends because it is the societal norm. But what if you have lost the chance to celebrate a significant event, or lost a job, or savings? Or a combination of these? The feelings of loss and powerlessness are just as real.

In my recent post https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-surprising-reasons-why-covid19-is-worse-than-we-imagined/ I looked at ways in which people are currently experiencing grief that are not necessarily related to death as we would expect, but nevertheless to a feeling of loss.

If you have experienced one or even a combination of those losses, then your sense of grief is very real indeed, and as with any loss, there are ways in which you need to deal with it.

Dealing with your loss

Acknowledge your grief

It is important to recognize that you are grieving and to give yourself permission to grieve and allow your emotions free rein, and accept that grief is not a simple, linear experience. Don’t compare your own feelings of loss to anyone else’s. We all grieve differently and grief will manifest itself differently for every one of us. The five stages of grief identified by Kubler-Ross https://www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-4175361 may well exist and you may experience all of them but they aren’t necessarily sequential and how long each one lasts is impossible to define. What is important is that you begin the grieving process freely and without guilt.

Write down or record how you feel

Keeping a journal, noting your feelings day by day can help let the feelings out, or writing a letter even if you don’t intend to send it. With iPhones to hand, it would be easy to record a video diary of your feelings even if you delete them later.

Know your triggers

Because grief is not something that can be easily controlled, it may help if you identify triggers that set off the overwhelming waves when they occur. Maybe it’s a tune you liked or a place you visited. Knowing the triggers can go a long way to dealing with your loss.

Establish or maintain a routine

It may seem like the hardest thing imaginable to go back to a normal routine when you have suffered the trauma of loss, but even though you may feel like closing all the windows and doors, curling up beneath a blanket and doing nothing, that will only focus all your attention on your loss. Establishing a routine or getting back to your old one doesn’t mean you are uncaring or insensitive. It gives your life meaning and a sense of purpose that may otherwise be lacking.

Eat and sleep properly

Look after yourself and your health throughout any period of grieving or loss. It’s easier said than done, when you lose the urge to eat at normal times or have difficulty sleeping. See your GP if you can’t sleep, or try other remedies but sleep is vital if you are to come through.

Share your feelings with others

‘A problem shared is a problem halved’ as the saying goes. And never was a truer phrase spoken. Keeping feelings bottled up will potentially lead to more serious issues down the line. Certainly in the current climate it wouldn’t be too difficult to find someone in a similar situation where you could offload to one another.

If that’s not possible then contact any one of the agencies who offer help freely like The Samaritans( https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/ ) or Crisis Text Line ( https://www.crisistextline.uk/ ).

Whatever happens we shouldn’t underestimate our feelings of loss, or feel any guilt. Feelings of grief and loss, if left untended and unaddressed can lead to far more serious mental health issues and because we are all experiencing losses on a far greater, collective scale than any of us can recall, we need to be mindful of how important it is to recognise and deal with these feelings when they arise.

Six Surprising Reasons Why COVID19 Is Worse Than We Imagined.

The COVID19 pandemic and subsequent lockdown have led to us face losses on an unimaginable scale, and it’s not just our loved ones we are grieving for.

Grief is defined as ‘a feeling of intense sorrow due to the loss of someone or something’. Obviously, the intensity of that feeling depends on the closeness of who or what was lost and the impact it will have on your life as you move forward.

The current pandemic has led us to a situation where we are having to contemplate a multiplicity of losses in every area of our lives.

Types of loss

Loss of a family member or loved one

Death is by far the most common cause of grief but the pandemic has added an extra layer of problems to the grieving process. It may be that the loved one died in isolation, either chosen or enforced and not surrounded by family. The death may have been traumatic as a result of COVID19 or unexpected for the same reason.

Once the death has occurred, then the surviving family is left to deal with the arrangement, often remotely, without the physical support or contact that is essential for comfort at such stressful times. The funeral service itself adds another layer of stress as families are forced to grieve socially distanced or in isolation, without being able to comfort one another.

Loss of job or income

Despite Chancellor Rishi Sunak’s hastily put together support package through the furlough scheme that has saved people in the short term, it was never intended to be a long-term solution and now companies are starting to feel the impact as we have seen some surprisingly robust high street names seek help or go out of business completely; Cath Kidston, Victoria’s Secret, Monsoon, Oasis, Carluccio’s, Laura Ashley and Prezzo to name just a few.

Employees are now sensing a real fear of redundancy or unemployment as companies come to terms with life after lockdown.

In addition to this, there is also the physical sense of loss that one might feel at not actually going in to a place of work, meeting colleagues and losing that daily ritual.

Loss of relationships

Being forced together day after day for months, will have put immense strain on some relationships, where a couple are not used to being together for such long periods. In addition, there have been documented, and understandable concerns over people who find themselves living 24/7 with an abusive partner.

There is also the opposite, where a relationship may have just begun prior to lockdown and hasn’t had the chance to progress in a normal way and may never recover.

One of the biggest sources of strain however, must surely be for families of NHS and other front line workers who chose to self-isolate away from their own families to take care of COVID19 patients. This type of loss can be likened to that felt by families of soldiers departing for war. When a loved one says goodbye, there is a very real chance that this may be the last time you’ll see them.

Loss of events

While we have endured lockdown as well as we possibly can, time has still marched on and birthdays have come and gone, holiday dates, weddings may have been cancelled. All of these may well have involved a lot of planning and spending money on deposits. The stress of loss has been subsequently exacerbated by holiday companies being vague about if and when repayments will be made.

Loss of small pleasures

How many times during the lockdown have you almost suggested popping to the pub on a Friday, or going to a favourite restaurant for a meal?

Plenty, I’m sure.

But the lockdown has effectively stripped us of that freedom to choose what we do and taken away the small pleasures that we took for granted.

Loss of personal space

Before lockdown our lives were demarcated into separate compartments. We left the house to go to work or to the gym, now the boundaries between these areas has become blurred. Your spare room or bedroom may have become your office, your lounge may double up as a gym space. All of this adds to the stress of coping with the day to day impact of the virus.

There is no doubt that the multiplicity of losses we have had to endure has been unprecedented. And whilst we seem to be reaching the end of lockdown in many countries, we should prepare ourselves for the backlash, not of a second wave, but of serious mental health issues for large portions of the population as they try and come to terms with the sheer scale of what has been lost.

A Step By Step Guide Of What To Do When Someone Dies.

It is one of the few certainties in life that, at some point, we will all experience the death of someone close. How many of us know what steps to take?

What are those first steps when someone you know dies and the death occurred at home and was expected?

The first thing to do is obtain a medical certificate recording the ‘Cause of Death’. These certificates can be obtained from a doctor or a hospital and will be issued immediately if the cause of death is clear. If it isn’t clear then the deceased may need to go to the coroner to have the cause of death established.

The next step is to register the death. This should be done at a registry office within 5 days if the death occurred in England or 8 days if the death occurred in Scotland.

You should also try to take as many of the following documents as possible. They are not essential but give more information needed for registering the death. However, don’t delay the registration process because you don’t have some of the documents.

  • NHS card (also called the medical card)
  • Birth certificate
  • Driving licence
  • Council tax bill
  • Marriage or civil partnership certificate (if applicable)
  • National Insurance number of the deceased and that of a surviving spouse or civil partner.
  • Passport
  • Proof of address (e.g. utility bill)

The registrar will require the following information about the deceased:

  • Date and place of the death
  • The address of the person
  • Their full names (including the maiden name of a married woman). Any former married names or other names by which the deceased was known can also be recorded.
  • Where and when they were born (the town or county is sufficient if the exact address is not known). Only the country of origin is required for people born outside the United Kingdom. The country is recorded according to its current name if this is different from how it was known at the date of birth.
  • Their occupation
  • Details of their wife or husband or civil partner
  • Whether they had any government pension or other benefits

You should also take along any documents that show your name and address (e.g. a utility bill) but it isn’t essential as you can still register a death without them.

The registrar will give you a Death Certificate to prove the death has been registered. You will need to purchase this and it is advisable to purchase multiple copies because photocopies are generally not accepted. The certificates are needed if the deceased’s estate needs to go through probate and even if it doesn’t then you will need one for each of the asset holders; banks, building societies, pensions and insurances.

You will receive what is known as ‘the green form’, the Certificate for Burial or Cremation. Without this form, you will be unable to arrange a funeral as it needs to be passed to the crematorium or funeral director.

Once these steps have been taken then you should notify a funeral director who will make arrangements to collect the deceased and you can begin to give some thought to the funeral service. And this is something I’ll look at in a future post.

How Coronavirus Has Impacted Funerals At Every Level.

From Zoom meetings to Social Distancing, COVID-19 has had a huge impact on funerals but have there been other, more subtle changes?

Pre-service

One of the first things to be impacted when the coronavirus pandemic hit and we went into lockdown was the immediate absence of face to face meetings in a family home. It was where you could see a family in an environment they felt comfortable in and see photographs of their loved ones and get a feel for what they were like and how the service would be pitched.

I enquired online to a group I am part of, whether any celebrants had noticed more subtle, less obvious changes. A number of celebrants reported that they have noticed themselves ‘going the extra mile ‘ for families to make sure that everything is exactly right. Making numerous phone calls and being in more frequent contact up to the day of the service ‘so families feel like they know me already’ said Jane a celebrant based in the North West.

‘So families feel like they know me’

Jane, a celebrant in the North West

Face to face meetings were quickly replaced by telephone meetings and then the rise of Zoom meetings, and now we must wonder sometimes how we managed before. Of course, without Zoom or Skype, we celebrants are left with that awkward approach to a stranger on the day of the service saying ‘ You’re not xxx by any chance? ‘ and then instantly resisting the urge to shake hands or hug as we would naturally do.

One very welcome change that has come about, is that members of the public have been showing their respect by bowing to a passing hearse or removing headwear. This was, of course, quite the tradition many years ago but has seen a mini revival in current times.

During the service

And the social distancing that has been forced on us has impacted in other ways. It was heartbreaking at a recent service to see a mother sitting 6 feet away from her daughter, grieving the loss of her husband and neither could do anything to comfort the other.

At the crematorium, I for one, have noticed that fewer families have been opting to have a printed Order of Service sheet. This may be because Order of Service sheets, if they are ordered from a professional printer usually come with a minimum order of 20 and increase in batches of 20. No use if there are only 6-10 people allowed to attend.

What has happened more is that families have taken the decision to self-print, sometimes printing the entire eulogy in booklet form so they can follow along and send a copy off to those unable to attend.

In terms of the eulogy itself, I have noticed a number of families opting to write a shortened version of the eulogy themselves to be read out. Their argument ?

‘There’s no point going into detail about their life. Everyone there knew about it anyway.’

This isn’t meant in an uncaring or brutal way. The family are acutely aware that the service they are having is not what they would have wanted. They are doing the best they can in extreme circumstances and the eulogy is, quite often to the point and matter-of-fact.

In the pre-Covid services when the crematorium is full of mourners, ready to celebrate the life of a much-loved relative, you can sense an energy and feed off it, like a performer on stage. Lately, it has felt increasingly difficult to engage with only up to 10 mourners in attendance.

Post-service

There is a feeling that, if a family is doubly unfortunate to lose a loved one anyway and to lose them during lockdown, they are resigned to the fact that the funeral is more of a symbolic gesture. It is something that society expects of them. And whilst previously the service could be an occasion to celebrate and maybe even enjoy a laugh together, the family is resigned to the fact that they should plan a memorial service for ‘When all this is over ‘ and they can say a proper farewell.

There is no doubt that the Covid 19 pandemic will have left its’ mark throughout our society at many levels by the time it is over. Funeral services are just a small part of that, but we, as funeral service professionals have had to adapt and families too have had to do the same.

One thing is for certain, when all this is finally over, things will look very different indeed.