The chances are that we will all know someone who has suffered some sort of loss during the current pandemic. How can we help?
When someone we know suffers a loss, there isn’t a handbook on how to behave and what to say or do. Our reactions are mostly left to chance and we may feel like we might say or do the wrong thing and so, end up doing nothing. Sometimes this may leave the bereaved person, who is already experiencing a range of challenging and painful emotions, in a vulnerable and difficult position. They may already feel isolated after their loss and in desperate need of comfort and when they are grieving is the time they need support the most.
Don’t be afraid of stepping up and offering support or comfort at these times. There are many things we can say and do to help, and often just being there and showing that you are supportive is enough to help make the first tentative steps to recovery.
How to help someone grieving
Be There
It’s as simple as that really. Just offer to be there for them in person. Physical presence and contact is one of the most important means of helping to deal with grief.
Offer a shoulder to cry on and let them know that it’s ok to cry. There is still something of a stigma around crying in front of others, especially for men, but it’s important in terms of acknowledging and accepting our grief in order to move forward. (https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-practical-and-proven-ways-to-help-overcome-your-loss/.
And even in current times when that physical contact may not always be possible, with technology, it’s easy to text, WhatsApp, FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, or any of the other multitude of face to face contacts that have sprung up because of lockdown.
Offer to do something specific
It’s very easy when we come into contact with someone who has suffered a loss to say ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do.’ It doesn’t help. Sorry. It’s too vague and your kind and albeit well-meaning offer will more than likely be forgotten.
Instead, offer to do something concrete. Your friend’s or relative’s mind will be swirling, trying to come to terms with what has happened. Of course there are things to do, so offer to do something specific.
‘Let me do some shopping for you this week.’
‘Let me take the kids to school this week.’
‘Why don’t I cook you dinner tonight.’
Share a Positive Memory
The bereaved will be in turmoil coming to terms with what has happened and that they will never see that person again. What they have left is their memories and it is such a comfort if you can play a part and let them know how their loved one affected you. There are times when I take services as a celebrant that the bereaved asks me to read messages from friends and family that have been sent in sympathy cards and the impact of those messages on everyone is incredible. It is important to know and to remember that even though your loved one may be gone physically, their legacy will live on through the memories everyone has of them.
Let go of time expectations
Grief is such a complex emotion and dependent on so many different things. It will affect everyone differently and as I said in my previous post- https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-practical-and-proven-ways-to-help-overcome-your-loss/ even though the five stages of grief may well exist, grief is not a neatly defined linear experience. It affects everyone differently and one of those areas is how long it lasts. Someone may go for weeks or months without showing signs of grieving and we may believe that they are over their loss. The truth is, they are never over their loss, they just learn to live with it better. The grief is still there, the waves still come, so we should avoid at all costs, the temptation to think that because someone is not showing the signs of grieving that they are ‘over it’.
Choose What You Say
It is easy to offer empty statements that have little meaning at such hard times, and it’s no-one’s fault. As a society, we are so poorly equipped to deal with loss when it happens, that we are frequently left tongue-tied or giving vague statements about how someone must feel. Even if we’ve experienced a loss of our own, don’t presume that we know how someone is feeling.
Say ‘I can’t imagine how you must feel.’
Offer your support ‘I’m here for you.’ Be specific, ‘I’m home every day from 5 so call me if you want to chat.’
Memorialize the deceased
Many people who lose a loved one, especially in tragic circumstances do something special to memorialize that person; they may set up a charity or a foundation to help others going through the same pain.
There are many opportunities to keep the memory of the loved one alive; perhaps plant a tree, or do a race for charity, do something special to raise funds for something meaningful and memorable.
What matters is two things, giving some sense of purpose to those who are left behind and keeping the memory of the deceased alive in a positive way.
We know for a fact that at some point in our lives we will lose someone close to us and go through the pain of grieving. We will also be in contact with others who lose someone close, and while it is inevitable and none of us have a handy guide to help us through those hard times, there are ways to make it more bearable.