The Covid19 pandemic has brought us face to face with our mortality and that of our friends and relations in a way that few of us have ever experienced before. Is this going to be a major step towards society’s acceptance of death as something to be discussed openly?
The Death Cafe movement was the brainchild of Swiss sociologist and anthropologist Bernard Crettaz and the first ‘Cafe Mortel’ was held in Neuchatel in 2004 and since then has gained a foothold in more than 70 countries worldwide. In the UK, the baton for the Death Cafe movement was taken up by Jon Underwood and the first meeting was held at his London home in 2011.
The aim of the cafe movement back then, and to this day, is to break the ‘tyrannical secrecy’ surrounding the topic of death, by offering anyone interested a safe place to discuss all things death-related in a non-judgmental environment.
The outbreak of Covid19 has led to a surge of interest in Death Cafes reported from all areas and whilst facilitators cannot hold face to face meetings, they are still arranging meetings online via Zoom or other facetime apps.
What happens at a Death cafe?
First of all, the meetings are not always held in cafes. But they do always supply tea, coffee, and cake. A facilitator will lead the discussions and questions like ‘How would you like to die? In your sleep? In a hospital? ‘ ‘Would you like a funeral or cremation?’ ‘What music would you like to have played?’ There is no right or wrong answer and no obligation to give an answer.
Importantly, the cafes are non-profit and rely on contributions from attendees and there is no agenda either in the sense of what to talk about or in the sense of leading people to a decision. They are most definitely not a platform for sales or promoting businesses.
And while a lot of attendees find themselves going to a Death Cafe because they have experienced a loss first-hand, the cafes don’t offer bereavement support or counselling. There are no guest-speakers, set questions or topics to discuss. The cafes are not morbid in any way and their aim is to make people make the most of their lives by embracing the inevitable and discussing it openly.
Why now?
If we were to turn the clock back just over 100 years or so, we would have found ourselves in very different times. Times where our acceptance of death was far more heightened than it is today. Families were much larger because the high rate of infant mortality meant that families expected to lose some children in infancy.
Husbands, fathers and brothers went off to fight in one of the bloodiest wars the world has seen and families weren’t ever sure they would see them again. Medicine, hygiene and hospital care was nothing like as advanced as it is now and death was all around. Since those times, as a society we have sleep-walked into believing that for some reason death won’t happen and we shouldn’t talk about it.
Jon Underwood pointed out that Western society has effectively outsourced its’ discussions on death to third parties, doctors, priests and funeral directors. And as a result, this outsourcing that has led to us being ill-equipped to deal with death when it is an inevitable part of life.
The last taboo
If we are to take anything positive away from this pandemic then it must surely be that it has opened a door to people wanting to discuss topics related to death; living wills, funeral plans, or advanced care discussions.
Our death may not be exactly what we expected and whilst we can’t plan for exactly when it will happen, what we can do is go some way towards opening the discussions about the inevitable and taking on the last taboo.
In my role as a celebrant, I am in no way endorsing Death Cafe, but should you wish to look into this further and find where your nearest or next meeting might be, then go to https://deathcafe.com/