Category: Family advice

How to Come up with Content for The Best Possible Eulogy

I’m often asked by families if it’s ok for them to write the eulogy for the deceased.

Of course it is.

There are some things to keep in mind when you write it though.

Think of the BIG topics

As a start, I ask families to consider the big topics from someone’s life and by that I mean; career, interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes, social life, school life. It’s a bit like starting a conversation with a stranger. Everyone will have something to say about some of these topics, some more and some less than others.

Start small

Writing a eulogy when you’ve never done it before can be quite daunting and it may be an idea before launching straight into it to carry a notebook or piece of paper around with you to jot down bullet points for a few days as and when they come to you.

They can always be fleshed out or discarded depending on how important they are.

It isn’t a Wikipedia entry

I quite often use this analogy when I talk to bereaved families who want to write their own eulogy.

No one wants to listen to something that sounds monotonous and drab, something that trots out dates of when this happened and when that happened with no filler in between.

What were they like?

As a starting point, I ask families to think about what the deceased was like. Were they funny, generous, kind, caring, adventurous or inquisitive? Think of some adjectives to describe them and say why that’s the case.

I have sat more times than I care to remember listening to people say

“He was hilarious. A laugh a minute. We could write a book about the things he did.”

Can you let me know one or two of them?

Anecdotes are your best friend

Without question, the best way to make any eulogy interesting is to scatter some anecdotes into it that demonstrate what the deceased was like. If they were accident-prone, then a few stories illustrating that will go a long way.

More isn’t necessarily better

At many crematoriums, there is a time limit for the service and so you need to be mindful of just how long the eulogy should be. In most cases, more is definitely not better unless you happen to be an exceptionally talented writer who will hold the attention of the mourners for the entire service.

I’ve found that in most cases, the ‘sweet spot’ for a eulogy is around the 5-6 minute mark, significantly less and mourners may feel short-changed. Significantly more and the attention of mourners may well start drifting off.

The Aim

The aim of a good eulogy, in my opinion, is to remind mourners what the deceased was like and to celebrate them as a person.

The eulogy should be a reflection of them as a person and as such, it can be humorous or it can be sombre and serious. A successful eulogy is about capturing the essence of the person and ensuring that their memory is celebrated.

Hitting The Balance Between Respect and Reflection.

In a recent post, I wrote about the dilemma some people face when they are deciding if something is appropriate or not. And I’m going to touch on that point again.

When you attend a funeral service in the UK, you’ll notice that funeral directors in their manner of dress are firmly entrenched in the Victorian era, with their tailcoats and top hats, walking solemnly before the hearse like a character from a Dickems novel.

When the hearse passes them, crematorium staff , funeral directors and celebrants bow as a mark of respect. Bearers and funeral directors bow to the coffin when it is placed on the catafalque. Mourners are asked to stand for the delivery of the words of committal. And there are so many other small and subtle gestures that go into making any service respectful.

If the scales were tipped all the way to the side of respect then services would be quite bland and would follow a very similar pattern each time. Respect in a service is essential but this respect has to be balanced with parts of the service that reflect the deceased.

I’ve done services where the deceased has arrived in a motorbike and sidecar, or in a banger racer or a double-decker bus. Most recently, the deceased’s coffin was crowd-surfed into the chapel along a corridor of mourners outside the chapel. All those choices reflected the loves and interests of the deceased and importantly, what the next-of-kin had chosen.

There have been services where mourners have worn football shirts of the deceased’s favourite team, or bikers have come dressed in leather.

The music choices have reflected what the deceased loved to listen to.

And all of these things go to making a successful farewell for someone. It’s important that their service should be a combination of respect and a reflection of them and it’s vital that the balance is just right every time.

Do You Think It’s Appropriate For a Funeral?

A question I’m asked with alarming regularity is;

‘I’m not sure if it’s appropriate. What do you think?

This is often about music choices. I can see the wheels turning in the next of kin’s mind as they wrestle with the dilemma.

John really liked heavy metal but it’s a funeral. Aren’t funerals meant to be all sad and sombre?

Well, sometimes they are.

And sometimes they aren’t.

When it comes to music, you need to ask yourself two questions.

Did the deceased like it?

Does it mean something to those who are left?

If the answer to both those questions is ‘yes’, then your dilemma is answered.

It’s appropriate.

Go ahead, choose ‘Highway to Hell‘ choose ‘Burn Baby Burn‘. Choose whatever the heck you want because this is your chance to remember them in the best way possible and if you think you have to sit through 10 minutes of a mind-numbingly dull hymn ( mentioning no name) then you are sadly mistaken.

There’s nothing wrong with hymns, some of them are lovely and if they are a reflection of the deceased, then have one. But please don’t feel that having a hymn is mandatory just because you happen to be in a chapel or a crematorium.

I speak from my, and many of my fellow celebrants, experience, that when the music choices are a true reflection of a person, it means so much more than mechanically choosing something that you think you have to have.

So if dad played ‘Living On A Prayer‘ at full volume, on loop, every time you drove down to Cornwall on holiday, then for goodness sake, make sure you choose it for his funeral.

Amazing Ways To Save The Planet. Even When You’re Dead.

Cremation, as a choice when we die, was almost unheard of even in the late 1800’s, but now around 80% of us choose it as our preferred method over burial.

The environmental problem with cremations is that each one releases around 250kg of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, and with around 500,000 deaths on average each year in the UK, that’s 400,000 cremations and a staggering 25 million tons of CO2 each year.

But, cremation and burial aren’t the only two options available to us now. With our views fixed firmly on looking after our planet while we’re alive, it’s only right we should do our best when we die too.

So, what are the options out there for looking after the planet once you’ve gone?

Become a Coral Reef

US based company ‘Eternal Reefs'( https://www.eternalreefs.com/ ) was started by two friends from Florida who were looking for ways to protect the coral reefs that they could see were dying out as they went diving.

After considerable research into finding the most environmentally friendly product, they are now able to mix cremated remains with concrete to form a ‘pearl’ which is lowered to the ocean floor to create a natural habitat for fish and other marine life.

Feed A Tree

Why not be buried in a biodegradable pot along with a tree seed? That’s the idea from UK company ‘Urns for Ashes'( https://www.urnsforashes.co.uk/ ), who provide all manner of urns.

The ‘bio urn tree’ houses, not only your ashes, but also the seed of a tree of your choice, so when the tree grows, the urn decomposes, and it, along with your ashes, provides nourishment and fertilizes growth.

What better way to ensure your legacy lives on?

Get Wrapped in a Woolly Coffin

Eco-friendly coffins as an option have been around for some time with funeral homes, and wicker and cardboard have emerged as the preferred options to wood.

But, there are other, more eco-friendly, sustainable options on the market.

There is a company in Yorkshire, ‘Hainsworth’ https://www.hainsworth.co.uk/ who will deliver you a WOOL coffin. The coffin is lined with cardboard and you have the option to decorate it. The added benefits, not simply from a sustainability point of view are that the coffin is easier on the eye for younger mourners and certainly easier on the touch. And what’s more the environmental impact of such a choice is negligible as the whole coffin is bio-degradable.

Get Flushed Down the Drain

Resomation, alkaline hydrolysis or water cremation

The whole process of resomation sounds particularly unpleasant but from an environmental point of view, it’s head and shoulders above a traditional flame cremation.

What is involved?

The body is placed into a large metal container, a little bigger than a coffin and a solution of 95% warm water and 5% potassium hydroxide is added. This solution is heated to 180 degrees C, a good 800 degrees less than a normal cremation, reducing gas emissions by 35%.

Inside the container, the solution dissolves the fat and tissue naturally from the body, leaving just the bones. The remains can be returned to the water cycle and treated at a water plant like any other waste water. The bones can be ground into ashes and returned to the family like a normal cremation.

Resomation is practiced across many US states and Canada and there is a lot of interest from other European countries, however, the UK is still steadfastly holding out. But it is probably only a matter of time with the company Resomation ( https://resomation.com/ ) already making waves (ahem).

And there you have it. A selection of viable options to dispose of your, or your loved one’s remains, that are not only good for the environment but will also sustain it.

How To Help Someone Grieving

The chances are that we will all know someone who has suffered some sort of loss during the current pandemic. How can we help?

When someone we know suffers a loss, there isn’t a handbook on how to behave and what to say or do. Our reactions are mostly left to chance and we may feel like we might say or do the wrong thing and so, end up doing nothing. Sometimes this may leave the bereaved person, who is already experiencing a range of challenging and painful emotions, in a vulnerable and difficult position. They may already feel isolated after their loss and in desperate need of comfort and when they are grieving is the time they need support the most.

Don’t be afraid of stepping up and offering support or comfort at these times. There are many things we can say and do to help, and often just being there and showing that you are supportive is enough to help make the first tentative steps to recovery.

How to help someone grieving

Be There

It’s as simple as that really. Just offer to be there for them in person. Physical presence and contact is one of the most important means of helping to deal with grief.

Offer a shoulder to cry on and let them know that it’s ok to cry. There is still something of a stigma around crying in front of others, especially for men, but it’s important in terms of acknowledging and accepting our grief in order to move forward. (https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-practical-and-proven-ways-to-help-overcome-your-loss/.

And even in current times when that physical contact may not always be possible, with technology, it’s easy to text, WhatsApp, FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, or any of the other multitude of face to face contacts that have sprung up because of lockdown.

Offer to do something specific

It’s very easy when we come into contact with someone who has suffered a loss to say ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do.’ It doesn’t help. Sorry. It’s too vague and your kind and albeit well-meaning offer will more than likely be forgotten.

Instead, offer to do something concrete. Your friend’s or relative’s mind will be swirling, trying to come to terms with what has happened. Of course there are things to do, so offer to do something specific.

‘Let me do some shopping for you this week.’

‘Let me take the kids to school this week.’

‘Why don’t I cook you dinner tonight.’

Share a Positive Memory

The bereaved will be in turmoil coming to terms with what has happened and that they will never see that person again. What they have left is their memories and it is such a comfort if you can play a part and let them know how their loved one affected you. There are times when I take services as a celebrant that the bereaved asks me to read messages from friends and family that have been sent in sympathy cards and the impact of those messages on everyone is incredible. It is important to know and to remember that even though your loved one may be gone physically, their legacy will live on through the memories everyone has of them.

Let go of time expectations

Grief is such a complex emotion and dependent on so many different things. It will affect everyone differently and as I said in my previous post- https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-practical-and-proven-ways-to-help-overcome-your-loss/ even though the five stages of grief may well exist, grief is not a neatly defined linear experience. It affects everyone differently and one of those areas is how long it lasts. Someone may go for weeks or months without showing signs of grieving and we may believe that they are over their loss. The truth is, they are never over their loss, they just learn to live with it better. The grief is still there, the waves still come, so we should avoid at all costs, the temptation to think that because someone is not showing the signs of grieving that they are ‘over it’.

Choose What You Say

It is easy to offer empty statements that have little meaning at such hard times, and it’s no-one’s fault. As a society, we are so poorly equipped to deal with loss when it happens, that we are frequently left tongue-tied or giving vague statements about how someone must feel. Even if we’ve experienced a loss of our own, don’t presume that we know how someone is feeling.

Say ‘I can’t imagine how you must feel.’

Offer your support ‘I’m here for you.’ Be specific, ‘I’m home every day from 5 so call me if you want to chat.’

Memorialize the deceased

Many people who lose a loved one, especially in tragic circumstances do something special to memorialize that person; they may set up a charity or a foundation to help others going through the same pain.

There are many opportunities to keep the memory of the loved one alive; perhaps plant a tree, or do a race for charity, do something special to raise funds for something meaningful and memorable.

What matters is two things, giving some sense of purpose to those who are left behind and keeping the memory of the deceased alive in a positive way.

We know for a fact that at some point in our lives we will lose someone close to us and go through the pain of grieving. We will also be in contact with others who lose someone close, and while it is inevitable and none of us have a handy guide to help us through those hard times, there are ways to make it more bearable.

Six Practical And Proven Ways To Help Overcome Your Loss

COVID19 has just about rewritten the rule book on how to grieve during the recent pandemic.

As a result of the COVID19 fallout, many will experience ‘disenfranchised grief’, a term that describes the feeling of loss when what has been lost is something not recognised by society with the same significance as a loved one. We are conditioned to comfort grieving sons, daughters, siblings, parents, and friends because it is the societal norm. But what if you have lost the chance to celebrate a significant event, or lost a job, or savings? Or a combination of these? The feelings of loss and powerlessness are just as real.

In my recent post https://celebrantglynbawden.com/six-surprising-reasons-why-covid19-is-worse-than-we-imagined/ I looked at ways in which people are currently experiencing grief that are not necessarily related to death as we would expect, but nevertheless to a feeling of loss.

If you have experienced one or even a combination of those losses, then your sense of grief is very real indeed, and as with any loss, there are ways in which you need to deal with it.

Dealing with your loss

Acknowledge your grief

It is important to recognize that you are grieving and to give yourself permission to grieve and allow your emotions free rein, and accept that grief is not a simple, linear experience. Don’t compare your own feelings of loss to anyone else’s. We all grieve differently and grief will manifest itself differently for every one of us. The five stages of grief identified by Kubler-Ross https://www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-4175361 may well exist and you may experience all of them but they aren’t necessarily sequential and how long each one lasts is impossible to define. What is important is that you begin the grieving process freely and without guilt.

Write down or record how you feel

Keeping a journal, noting your feelings day by day can help let the feelings out, or writing a letter even if you don’t intend to send it. With iPhones to hand, it would be easy to record a video diary of your feelings even if you delete them later.

Know your triggers

Because grief is not something that can be easily controlled, it may help if you identify triggers that set off the overwhelming waves when they occur. Maybe it’s a tune you liked or a place you visited. Knowing the triggers can go a long way to dealing with your loss.

Establish or maintain a routine

It may seem like the hardest thing imaginable to go back to a normal routine when you have suffered the trauma of loss, but even though you may feel like closing all the windows and doors, curling up beneath a blanket and doing nothing, that will only focus all your attention on your loss. Establishing a routine or getting back to your old one doesn’t mean you are uncaring or insensitive. It gives your life meaning and a sense of purpose that may otherwise be lacking.

Eat and sleep properly

Look after yourself and your health throughout any period of grieving or loss. It’s easier said than done, when you lose the urge to eat at normal times or have difficulty sleeping. See your GP if you can’t sleep, or try other remedies but sleep is vital if you are to come through.

Share your feelings with others

‘A problem shared is a problem halved’ as the saying goes. And never was a truer phrase spoken. Keeping feelings bottled up will potentially lead to more serious issues down the line. Certainly in the current climate it wouldn’t be too difficult to find someone in a similar situation where you could offload to one another.

If that’s not possible then contact any one of the agencies who offer help freely like The Samaritans( https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/ ) or Crisis Text Line ( https://www.crisistextline.uk/ ).

Whatever happens we shouldn’t underestimate our feelings of loss, or feel any guilt. Feelings of grief and loss, if left untended and unaddressed can lead to far more serious mental health issues and because we are all experiencing losses on a far greater, collective scale than any of us can recall, we need to be mindful of how important it is to recognise and deal with these feelings when they arise.

Six Surprising Reasons Why COVID19 Is Worse Than We Imagined.

The COVID19 pandemic and subsequent lockdown have led to us face losses on an unimaginable scale, and it’s not just our loved ones we are grieving for.

Grief is defined as ‘a feeling of intense sorrow due to the loss of someone or something’. Obviously, the intensity of that feeling depends on the closeness of who or what was lost and the impact it will have on your life as you move forward.

The current pandemic has led us to a situation where we are having to contemplate a multiplicity of losses in every area of our lives.

Types of loss

Loss of a family member or loved one

Death is by far the most common cause of grief but the pandemic has added an extra layer of problems to the grieving process. It may be that the loved one died in isolation, either chosen or enforced and not surrounded by family. The death may have been traumatic as a result of COVID19 or unexpected for the same reason.

Once the death has occurred, then the surviving family is left to deal with the arrangement, often remotely, without the physical support or contact that is essential for comfort at such stressful times. The funeral service itself adds another layer of stress as families are forced to grieve socially distanced or in isolation, without being able to comfort one another.

Loss of job or income

Despite Chancellor Rishi Sunak’s hastily put together support package through the furlough scheme that has saved people in the short term, it was never intended to be a long-term solution and now companies are starting to feel the impact as we have seen some surprisingly robust high street names seek help or go out of business completely; Cath Kidston, Victoria’s Secret, Monsoon, Oasis, Carluccio’s, Laura Ashley and Prezzo to name just a few.

Employees are now sensing a real fear of redundancy or unemployment as companies come to terms with life after lockdown.

In addition to this, there is also the physical sense of loss that one might feel at not actually going in to a place of work, meeting colleagues and losing that daily ritual.

Loss of relationships

Being forced together day after day for months, will have put immense strain on some relationships, where a couple are not used to being together for such long periods. In addition, there have been documented, and understandable concerns over people who find themselves living 24/7 with an abusive partner.

There is also the opposite, where a relationship may have just begun prior to lockdown and hasn’t had the chance to progress in a normal way and may never recover.

One of the biggest sources of strain however, must surely be for families of NHS and other front line workers who chose to self-isolate away from their own families to take care of COVID19 patients. This type of loss can be likened to that felt by families of soldiers departing for war. When a loved one says goodbye, there is a very real chance that this may be the last time you’ll see them.

Loss of events

While we have endured lockdown as well as we possibly can, time has still marched on and birthdays have come and gone, holiday dates, weddings may have been cancelled. All of these may well have involved a lot of planning and spending money on deposits. The stress of loss has been subsequently exacerbated by holiday companies being vague about if and when repayments will be made.

Loss of small pleasures

How many times during the lockdown have you almost suggested popping to the pub on a Friday, or going to a favourite restaurant for a meal?

Plenty, I’m sure.

But the lockdown has effectively stripped us of that freedom to choose what we do and taken away the small pleasures that we took for granted.

Loss of personal space

Before lockdown our lives were demarcated into separate compartments. We left the house to go to work or to the gym, now the boundaries between these areas has become blurred. Your spare room or bedroom may have become your office, your lounge may double up as a gym space. All of this adds to the stress of coping with the day to day impact of the virus.

There is no doubt that the multiplicity of losses we have had to endure has been unprecedented. And whilst we seem to be reaching the end of lockdown in many countries, we should prepare ourselves for the backlash, not of a second wave, but of serious mental health issues for large portions of the population as they try and come to terms with the sheer scale of what has been lost.

A Step By Step Guide Of What To Do When Someone Dies.

It is one of the few certainties in life that, at some point, we will all experience the death of someone close. How many of us know what steps to take?

What are those first steps when someone you know dies and the death occurred at home and was expected?

The first thing to do is obtain a medical certificate recording the ‘Cause of Death’. These certificates can be obtained from a doctor or a hospital and will be issued immediately if the cause of death is clear. If it isn’t clear then the deceased may need to go to the coroner to have the cause of death established.

The next step is to register the death. This should be done at a registry office within 5 days if the death occurred in England or 8 days if the death occurred in Scotland.

You should also try to take as many of the following documents as possible. They are not essential but give more information needed for registering the death. However, don’t delay the registration process because you don’t have some of the documents.

  • NHS card (also called the medical card)
  • Birth certificate
  • Driving licence
  • Council tax bill
  • Marriage or civil partnership certificate (if applicable)
  • National Insurance number of the deceased and that of a surviving spouse or civil partner.
  • Passport
  • Proof of address (e.g. utility bill)

The registrar will require the following information about the deceased:

  • Date and place of the death
  • The address of the person
  • Their full names (including the maiden name of a married woman). Any former married names or other names by which the deceased was known can also be recorded.
  • Where and when they were born (the town or county is sufficient if the exact address is not known). Only the country of origin is required for people born outside the United Kingdom. The country is recorded according to its current name if this is different from how it was known at the date of birth.
  • Their occupation
  • Details of their wife or husband or civil partner
  • Whether they had any government pension or other benefits

You should also take along any documents that show your name and address (e.g. a utility bill) but it isn’t essential as you can still register a death without them.

The registrar will give you a Death Certificate to prove the death has been registered. You will need to purchase this and it is advisable to purchase multiple copies because photocopies are generally not accepted. The certificates are needed if the deceased’s estate needs to go through probate and even if it doesn’t then you will need one for each of the asset holders; banks, building societies, pensions and insurances.

You will receive what is known as ‘the green form’, the Certificate for Burial or Cremation. Without this form, you will be unable to arrange a funeral as it needs to be passed to the crematorium or funeral director.

Once these steps have been taken then you should notify a funeral director who will make arrangements to collect the deceased and you can begin to give some thought to the funeral service. And this is something I’ll look at in a future post.

Does Death Cafe Offer A Way Of Coping With COVID-19?

The Covid19 pandemic has brought us face to face with our mortality and that of our friends and relations in a way that few of us have ever experienced before. Is this going to be a major step towards society’s acceptance of death as something to be discussed openly?

The Death Cafe movement was the brainchild of Swiss sociologist and anthropologist Bernard Crettaz and the first ‘Cafe Mortel’ was held in Neuchatel in 2004 and since then has gained a foothold in more than 70 countries worldwide. In the UK, the baton for the Death Cafe movement was taken up by Jon Underwood and the first meeting was held at his London home in 2011.

The aim of the cafe movement back then, and to this day, is to break the ‘tyrannical secrecy’ surrounding the topic of death, by offering anyone interested a safe place to discuss all things death-related in a non-judgmental environment.

The outbreak of Covid19 has led to a surge of interest in Death Cafes reported from all areas and whilst facilitators cannot hold face to face meetings, they are still arranging meetings online via Zoom or other facetime apps.

What happens at a Death cafe?

First of all, the meetings are not always held in cafes. But they do always supply tea, coffee, and cake. A facilitator will lead the discussions and questions like ‘How would you like to die? In your sleep? In a hospital? ‘ ‘Would you like a funeral or cremation?’ ‘What music would you like to have played?’ There is no right or wrong answer and no obligation to give an answer.

Importantly, the cafes are non-profit and rely on contributions from attendees and there is no agenda either in the sense of what to talk about or in the sense of leading people to a decision. They are most definitely not a platform for sales or promoting businesses.

And while a lot of attendees find themselves going to a Death Cafe because they have experienced a loss first-hand, the cafes don’t offer bereavement support or counselling. There are no guest-speakers, set questions or topics to discuss. The cafes are not morbid in any way and their aim is to make people make the most of their lives by embracing the inevitable and discussing it openly.

Why now?

If we were to turn the clock back just over 100 years or so, we would have found ourselves in very different times. Times where our acceptance of death was far more heightened than it is today. Families were much larger because the high rate of infant mortality meant that families expected to lose some children in infancy.

Husbands, fathers and brothers went off to fight in one of the bloodiest wars the world has seen and families weren’t ever sure they would see them again. Medicine, hygiene and hospital care was nothing like as advanced as it is now and death was all around. Since those times, as a society we have sleep-walked into believing that for some reason death won’t happen and we shouldn’t talk about it.

Jon Underwood pointed out that Western society has effectively outsourced its’ discussions on death to third parties, doctors, priests and funeral directors. And as a result, this outsourcing that has led to us being ill-equipped to deal with death when it is an inevitable part of life.

The last taboo

If we are to take anything positive away from this pandemic then it must surely be that it has opened a door to people wanting to discuss topics related to death; living wills, funeral plans, or advanced care discussions.

Our death may not be exactly what we expected and whilst we can’t plan for exactly when it will happen, what we can do is go some way towards opening the discussions about the inevitable and taking on the last taboo.

In my role as a celebrant, I am in no way endorsing Death Cafe, but should you wish to look into this further and find where your nearest or next meeting might be, then go to https://deathcafe.com/