In a recent post, I wrote about the dilemma some people face when they are deciding if something is appropriate or not. And I’m going to touch on that point again.
When you attend a funeral service in the UK, you’ll notice that funeral directors in their manner of dress are firmly entrenched in the Victorian era, with their tailcoats and top hats, walking solemnly before the hearse like a character from a Dickems novel.
When the hearse passes them, crematorium staff , funeral directors and celebrants bow as a mark of respect. Bearers and funeral directors bow to the coffin when it is placed on the catafalque. Mourners are asked to stand for the delivery of the words of committal. And there are so many other small and subtle gestures that go into making any service respectful.
If the scales were tipped all the way to the side of respect then services would be quite bland and would follow a very similar pattern each time. Respect in a service is essential but this respect has to be balanced with parts of the service that reflect the deceased.
I’ve done services where the deceased has arrived in a motorbike and sidecar, or in a banger racer or a double-decker bus. Most recently, the deceased’s coffin was crowd-surfed into the chapel along a corridor of mourners outside the chapel. All those choices reflected the loves and interests of the deceased and importantly, what the next-of-kin had chosen.
There have been services where mourners have worn football shirts of the deceased’s favourite team, or bikers have come dressed in leather.
The music choices have reflected what the deceased loved to listen to.
And all of these things go to making a successful farewell for someone. It’s important that their service should be a combination of respect and a reflection of them and it’s vital that the balance is just right every time.