Month: April 2020

How a Change of Holiday Destination Led This Celebrant to Witness Something Extraordinary.

‘Let’s go somewhere we’re never likely to go back to.’

Like all the best ideas, that was how it started. Just an off-the-cuff conversation about changing our pretty routine holiday choice.

We’d been going to the same sort of places for years, pretty typical European tourist spots in Portugal, Spain and France, so we thought it would be a good idea to go somewhere completely different.

And that was what led us to Nepal. We looked online and saw an organised tour of Nepal for 12 days on TripAdvisor. We checked out the itinerary and after deciding to upgrade our hotel ( thank goodness, no offence to Nepal but three stars in Kathmandu is not anything like three stars here).

In February we were off. After being picked up from the airport we were heading to our ( 5 star) hotel and as we were stuck in traffic, not uncommon for anyone who has ever been to Kathmandu, it’s a wonder anything ever gets done, ours eyes were caught by an impressive group of temples. We enquired what they were and were told by our guide it was the Pashupatinath Temple ( https://www.welcomenepal.com/places-to-see/pashupatinath.html ) the largest temple complex in Nepal. It straddles the sacred Bagmati River and it is here, on raised platforms, at this UNESCO Cultural Heritage site that open air cremations take place every day.

My curiosity was well and truly piqued and we decided that when we had a free day we would make our way to the temple to witness the ceremony.

After 10 days of touring and seeing some astonishing sights we returned to Kathmandu and had a free day, so we decided to walk from our hotel to the temple. We had been reliably informed by our guide that it was a walk of about 35 minutes.

One hour and 20 minutes later, after touring various Kathamandu back streets we arrived, dusty and thirsty and entered the temple complex.

Frankly, nothing had prepared us for what we were to witness. On a raised pyre, one of several, by the river’s edge, a man in a white apron steadily built up a funeral pyre underneath a platform, stuffing it with twigs and logs as if a Sunday afternoon barbeque was being prepared.

When the pyre was prepared, family members emerged carrying the deceased, wrapped in orange cloth, at shoulder height on a wooden stretcher. The deceased was then placed carefully onto the platform and any clothing was removed with a cloth held up to maintain dignity.

A family member, presumably the next-of-kin or senior family member circled the platform several times, strips of orange cloth were removed and tied to the poles supporting the roof of the shelter that the pyre lay under.Then the family retreated and the fire was lit.

As the flames burnt the dead body, we were struck by how quiet the mourners were. The whole ceremony took place with in an alarmingly ( to us) matter-of-fact manner. There was no sadness, no tears and seemingly no grief-stricken relatives that we are so familiar with in the West.

Of course, as a predominantly Hindu nation, the Nepalese attitude to death is as far removed from the western view as possible. To Hindus, life and death are both part of what they call ‘maya’, a grand illusion; Hindus believe that when a soul dies, it gets born into a new body. The cycle of death and rebirth — ‘samsara’ — ends only when a soul realizes its true nature — indistinguishable from the absolute godhead, which Hindus call Brahman.

And so, this devout belief system in a life after death softens the blow of losing a loved one.They may never be replaced but there is a confidence that their soul will live on elsewhere. There is much to be applauded in such a strong religious belief system that salves the pain of the death of a loved one and can go some way towards giving a meaning to life.

From the point of view of a celebrant, I felt hugely privileged to have witnessed the rituals of cremation from another culture and religion. It was, like the whole of the trip, utterly spell-binding and eye-opening. An experience that will live with me forever.

5 Reasons Why You Should Say ‘No’ More Often.

I did a post last week on reasons why it’s hard for us, as celebrants, to say ‘No’ to requests (.https://celebrantglynbawden.com/5-reasons-why-its-hard-for-us-to-say-no/) . The conclusion was probably that, even though we feel obliged to say ‘yes’ for all those reasons, we really should try and say ‘no’ more.

Let’s take a look at why saying ‘no’ is not just a good thing, it’s an essential thing for our long-term well-being.

Emotionally draining

As funeral celebrants we deal with people when they are often at their most emotional and vulnerable. They have just lost a loved one and are putting their faith into you to deliver a meaningful and heartfelt eulogy after only a handful of meetings at best.

It’s not possible, unless you’re made of stone, to avoid investing some of your own emotional energy into each service.

Our emotions are not a bottomless pit. Just as you’ll become physically exhausted if you exercise too much, you will become emotionally exhausted if you expend too much emotion. And it will come to a head eventually.

Quality will suffer

We get one chance to do what we do. One chance to stand in front of a grieving family and give a well-structured, well-written eulogy in memory of a loved one.

If we take on too much, we run a very real risk of the quality of our work being diluted or rushed as we try to prioritise. It’s like juggling. Throwing and catching one ball is easy. Even two, not a problem. Some of us may even be able to do three, but start getting to four and five then you’ll soon see how hard it is to keep up.

Keep your workload manageable and the quality will be maintained.

You neglect other parts of your life

Our lives are complex and complicated things. They are made up of many different areas. And for them to be successful, we need each of the areas to be running in harmony.

Of course, work is important. That’s what puts the food on the table and pays the bills but for a well-balanced approach, you need to pay equal attention to the other parts of your life.

Your family and their happiness is vital to maintain your own well-being. Take your partner and your children to the cinema or out for a meal. You need time for hobbies, even if your hobby is just catching up with the latest on Netflix, set aside some time to do it.

Self esteem

Saying ‘no’ is good for you. Yes, you read that right. How many times have you said ‘yes’ to something only to go away and curse yourself for giving in again and asking ‘Why did I say yes?’

Say ‘no’ once in a while. Take back some control of your life and you’ll feel better about yourself. That simple act will tell everyone, including yourself that YOU are in control and YOU are the one making the decisions.

Reduce Stress

Once you’re back in control of what’s going on in your life then a whole host of other good things start to happen. You’ll be less stressed for one and that’s got to be a good thing.

You can concentrate on doing the work that you have to the best of your ability, investing the time and emotional input that is needed without neglecting other areas.

You may find that you’ll be sleeping better, your appetite will be better and you’ll be healthier all round.

There’s is no doubt that saying no more often will benefit you in the short term and the long term. You’ll have more time to do what matters to you, so give it a go, say ‘NO’.

5 Reasons Why It’s Hard For Us To Say ‘NO’

It’s a mere two letters long and it can make life so much easier at times, so why is it that we have such problems saying it? Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why we may find it hard.

GUILT

We live in a ‘yes’ culture, where we are socially-conditioned from an early age to say ‘yes’ to things because what we don’t want to do is upset someone but rejecting them or their proposal. If we say ‘no’ to someone then we feel like we’re rejecting them and no-one wants to do that, but we are quite happy to put more onto our own plate.


FEAR OF NOT BEING USED AGAIN

We spend months contacting our Funeral Directors and Arrangers and building up those relationships and when we say ‘no’ there’s always the question at the back of your mind, ‘Well, if I don’t do it, who will they ask? And will they do a better job than me? If they do, then maybe I’ll never hear from them again.’

We work in a very competitive field and more and more celebrants are coming along all the time. Face it, we can’t do every single service. There will be some we can’t do for other reasons and don’t kid yourself that you get chosen for every service the Arranger or FD has. If they’re good at their job then they’ll put the right celebrant with the right family.


SELF-EMPLOYMENT

We’re self-employed and we get it that it may be feast or famine. If we don’t accept every single job that is offered then who knows when the next one may come along?

Well, guess what. People have been self-employed for years and that’s the nature of self-employment. Sometimes the phone will ring off the hook non-stop. Sometimes you won’t hear anything for weeks, but in the end, it all has a tendency to work out and saying ‘no’ to one or two jobs isn’t going to make a big difference one way or the other.


EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT

Our role, by its’ very nature, means that we come into contact with people when they are at a very low state emotionally. They may be still coming to terms with their grief and will need to have their hand-held throughout the process. And who better to do it? Us of course!

And it doesn’t matter that we already have a number of services that day or week because obviously there’s no-one else that could shoulder that emotional load better than us, is there.

Once again, let’s not kid ourselves that no-one else is capable of dealing with these grieving families. All the celebrants should have been on a training course and will probably have a good few services under their belts, some will have plenty more than you, so stop thinking no-one else can do it.

IT’S VERY FINAL

Even though it’s only two letters long, it sounds so…well, final. I’m pretty sure that none of us would be so abrupt as to simply say ‘No’ and hang up the phone but there are ways of tempering the blow and making sure that you leave the door open for future business.

You could always suggest another celebrant that you know and have a reciprocal arrangement with them, so even if you did lose a service there’s always the chance that you’ll pick another up at a later date.

If you don’t know another celebrant well enough, just say ‘I really hope you find someone’ and arrange to call back after the service to see how things went.


There are always going to be times when we have to say those two little letters and I get it, it’s hard but hopefully, we can understand why and accept that saying ‘no’ is an important part of life and we can grow from that.


T-shirt and jeans? But is it really progress?

If we were to go back in time 100 or more years and be expected to attend a funeral, there would be precious few alternatives to what we would be expected to wear. It would be uniformly black; suit, tie, and hat and black dresses for the ladies. English funerals were firmly rooted in Victorian tradition and there they stayed for decades. And even today we can see the echoes of those formalities filtering through to our services as funeral directors walk slowly before the hearse dressed in their pinstripe trousers, tailcoat, and top-hat, sometimes even clutching a silver-topped cane. looking like a scene from the 60s classic ‘Oliver’.

And why not?

After all, it’s a funeral and that’s what we’ve come to expect, isn’t it?

Since I started taking funeral services as a celebrant a few years ago, I’ve noticed very subtle but distinct changes. I always make a point of asking the family what the dress code is and if the deceased was 80-90 or more then tradition continues to lead the way and it’s a black tie. However, it is noticeable that as the age decreases then changes begin to slip in; coloured ties being the most noticeable, or wearing the deceased’s favourite colour, the changes are there for all to see.

And the changes are there throughout the funeral world. Funeral directors are striking out in all directions to be different. There is no longer a ‘one size fits all’ approach. Coffins come in all types, the service is your choice, the music is your choice, what is said about the deceased is your choice, even the type of service is your choice; direct cremation, live streaming, even a Do It Yourself service.

Progress is all well and good and completely unavoidable but where is the line to be drawn, if a line is to be drawn at all?

I have already taken services where a mourner has appeared in T shirt and shorts and one where everyone was asked to come in hoody and jeans because that’s what the deceased wore every day.

But where, if anywhere, should the line be drawn?

Progress is inevitable and it will be interesting to see what subtle changes funeral directors make in the oncoming years, if any. I think, regardless of the person’s age or demographic then the funeral garb of the funeral director lends a necessary solemnity and gravitas to what is, ultimately, a sad occasion. It would be sad if we were to fast forward 20 or 30 years to see services attended by everyone in T shirts and jeans. Funerals can be celebrations of life too but should it be at any cost?